It has been awhile since I last blogged, since I took my trip back to Minnesota two months ago. Two months and I feel like so much has happened in those couple of months. It was wonderful to go home, or at least what I considered home a year ago, and see my family and friends. Being home reminded me of just how much time and things have changed, not only for myself but my family as well. It almost seemed like life had continued to move on around me back in Minnesota and I was stuck in the same spot I was before I left. Which I know isn't the case considering life had continued to move for me as well, just in a different state and environment than my family. It was wonderful to see my family and all the joy they bring to me, but at the same time I was definitely ready to go back to Nebraska even after a few days. It has made me realize that Minnesota is no longer my home and Nebraska and the life I have created down here has become my home and I now feel more comfortable here than I do in Minnesota. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going back to Minnesota and visiting family and seeing everyone but it is a great feeling to come home and be in your own home and I somehow got a sense on my journey back from Minnesota that I just knew that I would no longer live in Minnesota. Even when I do move on from Nebraska and Grace Children't Home, whenever that may be, I just have this sense of knowing I will no longer live in Minnesota and I have a sense of peace about that and just know it is okay.
The past few months upon my return to Nebraska have been super crazy. It has been a transition of staff switching around, staff leaving and kids being royal pains. It has definitely been a draining adventure. I do love working with the boys for sure, but some days they just annoy me to the point where I want to walk out. I have one boy who has been a really big struggle for me the past month or so more than usual. He doesn't respect females at all and since learning he will be going home soon he has kicked his rude behavior up at least 20x worse. Which, for all the staff and residents that are around him it makes it super challenging to work or deal with, but as a female I feel personally it makes it that much harder because I feel the attack even more. It makes me emotionally drained very quickly not only to have to put up with his comments and actions, to try and hold him accountable but also to not let him see how much it bothers me because I know he wants a reaction but he won't get it from me. It makes it that much harder to hide it when it is worse than ever. There were countless times this past shift that I was ready to burst into tears, wanted to punch him in the face or just walk out of the house but I knew I couldn't do any of these things. I mean I know he has grown a lot the past few months he has been here but I think he is the one I struggle with the most since I have been working here at Grace. I think that is mostly because I have never been attacked for being a female this much in all of my life and so now I am counting down for the days until he leaves. I am in hopes that once he leaves things will be a bit better for not only myself but the rest of the cottage environment. I know that there is always going to be that one kid who gets under your skin and it helps you grow but at the same time I emotionally need to recover from the past few months. I can tell my body is physically exhausted not only from the lack of sleep I have been getting but also from the emotional draining I have been through and it is taking its toll on me.
To go along with the emotional toll I have been going through, I finally made a decision a few weeks ago that wasn't easy to come by. I finally blocked the one person who has been playing with my emotions for many years but recently the past few months. As much as I love this person I have finally realized that she isn't going to give me the space I have asked for over 7 almost 8 months ago and I just need to take actions myself. I mean I can't fully figure things out in my life if she is still texting and calling me and verbally attacking me at the same time. I just got sick of all the manipulation that I decided enough is enough. This decision by far wasn't the easiest decision to make by far and I'm not saying it is permanent. I just need her to get her life in order, if she chooses to, and I need to get my life back on track for me and not always having that constant worry or fear that she is going to text me or call me, even after she promised to give me the space I need. They always say that the hardest part is to actually follow through with the decision you make and when I finally blocked her phone number, you have no idea how relieved I felt all of a sudden. It is sad though isn't it? You would think that I would feel a sense of sadness for blocking her and regret it immediately especially once she finds out, but it was the exact opposite feeling. I felt free and able to start to get my life back and live my life according to me and not her. I no longer have to have the fear of her texting or calling me. Yes, I know it isn't a permanent solution but it gives me the chance to figure out what I want to do with the situation...minus the manipulation and guilt trips every few weeks. I just pray that God will continue to guide me in the decisions I have to make as well as the decisions that she has to make, if she so chooses.
At this point I am just trying to take it all a day at a time and work through everything going on in my life. The frustrations and emotions in my head and eventually get some sleep as well. I am praying for a better shift this week but so far not in high hopes but we shall see.
Love,
Ashley
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Saturday, December 21, 2013
I have reached my 1 year mark here at Grace Children's Home tomorrow. I also prepare to head back to Minnesota on Tuesday for the first time since I moved down here to Nebraska as well. As I prepare to head back to Minnesota for the holidays and reflect on my past year here at Grace I am utterly amazed at how much stuff has changed in my life since I came to Henderson.
The Job: This year I never would have believed how much I learned and grew from working at Grace. When I first started at Grace I was definitely scared and didn't have a clue what I was doing. I came to a new career and although I went to school for youth ministry there was definitely nothing in the study books and classes about kids who run away, threaten you, cuss up a storm and much more. Through my 8 months working at Bader Cottage with a group of many girls, and my 4 months working at Boys Cottage with boys I have had many experiences and kids that made me wonder why in the world I was even in this job in the first place...not to mention how would I even make it through my first year! I spent my time at Bader wondering how in the world girls could be that crazy, not to mention when you put them all in a house together it goes nuts! Then my time at Boys has made me wonder how I can survive this smell that is constantly lingering, trying to have boys respect me as an authority even though I am female and wondering what I can do when a kid runs away, is caught with cigarettes or tries to use his male presence as an intimidation. But even through the threats, the crazy moments and the many nights I still have wondering why I am in this job I am also reminded through many moments with the kids and staff I work with that things will be okay. When I was working at Bader I loved how much I learned from firstly the staff I worked with Becca and Hannah. The two in themselves are definitely a bit more crazy then I would ever expect to be friends with (and yes I know you read this but there it is) But in many ways I know it has been good for me. It has helped me come out of my shell more. Although I am still an Introvert I am also a bit more willing to try new things. Those two were the first team I worked with and we made an awesome team. I learned how to handle kids and not back down, build relationships with the girls, keep my relationship with God in check while running a house of girls including cooking, shopping, balancing checkbook, allowance and always monthly paperwork. But even through all of that I have learned not only to manage a cottage but the importance of building relationships even a midst the hard times. Then the girls themselves have taught me a lot. I built many relationships with the girls I have worked with, and although I have now learned the importance of setting authority before relationships I think each of the relationships I have built have made me learn that not only am I teaching these girls some important aspects in life but they are also continuing to teach me how to be patient and to grow in myself. Then you switch over to working with the boys I work with now. In the past 4 months of working at Boys Cottage I have seen myself grow tremendously. I have become more confident in being authoritative and with working with boys I automatically have a boundary wall that allows me to not only have a healthy relationship with them but to also be more authoritative than I had at Bader. You then throw in my new team working with Andrew and Nolan and it makes for an interesting party. I always say I have 7 boys I take care of because there are some days I feel I need to take care of my fellow staff as well. I have found myself struggling a lot with a few boys especially in the aspect of them not respecting female authority. These past two shifts especially have been tough where I have been emotionally torn down by the comments and behaviors of a few of the boys, and I thankfully have Nolan and Andrew who continue to support me and stand up for me. They have given me that extra strength I need to at least make it through the shift even when my emotional status is about to break. I don't deny that we have our problems, but what team doesn't have conflict? But it is how we work through it and continue to support each other that gets us through the rough times. We have finally established how we want the cottage run as a new team coming in and it is great. It will definitely be hard once each of them start to transition out of the cottage once their year is up. Each cottage has definitely made me grow this past year with the relationships, the tests I face each day to simply just learning more about myself as I deal with each individual kid and the challenge they face and give me in order for them to grow but for myself to grow as well. I wish I could share some pictures with you all but if you were to ask me of stories I have tons of those for sure!
My Fellow Staff:
Words cannot even begin to describe the many relationships I have built through my year here. I have made some pretty strong relationships with some, some have fallen and even grown stronger throughout the year. If I would have thought I'd have such a great support network in the people I work with I wouldn't have believed it when I first came down here. I am truly blessed by each friendship that I have down here. They strive to challenge me, test my patience like most friendships do, and we help one another grow. As stubborn as I am, I am definitely grateful for the friendships I have. I honestly don't know where I would be especially emotionally this past year if it weren't for some of my friends. That isn't to say I am fully emotionally healed but they have definitely gotten me out of my shell and trying new things I never thought I would do upon moving to Nebraska. They have also taught me many key aspects to working and running a cottage. Each staff I work with has brought a different aspect to the cottage they work in and I have been able to apply each key thing they do well and be able to make where I work stronger. I have been able to play of their strengths and use my strengths as well. Although schedules have changed since I moved cottages I am grateful that I am able to see Hannah who no longer works with me at Bader when she doesn't work at the hospital. And even though I miss working with Becca at Bader I think our friendship has grown in many ways since we have had breaks together. I've definitely come out of my shell with her around and tried many new adventures. I have also gotten the opportunity to know Andrew and Nolan more with working with them. I didn't know them much when I worked at Bader but now having worked with them as I do, I continue to find many awesome gifts in each of them and enjoy our time together working and finding out what we have in common, and what we can do as a team to make the cottage run better, but to also be able to support one another when we are having a rocky time in our own lives. I have had opportunities to get to know Caitlain and Rebekah more on breaks which has been amazing to see how these friendships grow since we have never worked together in a cottage. It gives me the opportunity to build relationships with those I don't get to see as much but enjoy time together with.
Myself:
Which brings me to myself this past year. I can honestly say I have seen a difference in myself this past year. From taking a chance to moving to a small town I had never heard of or knew anyone was a huge leap. I have not only seen myself grow at the cottage but that in turn has made me grow personally. I have seen confidence build in myself I never knew I had. Although I still have my moments where I doubt myself, I can definitely feel confident in most of who I am. I have also been more willing to try new things this year. I have now gotten into running more thanks to my friend Becca. I have found it is a great way for me to release stress from work and my personal life. I have now accomplished two 5K's this past year, done a lot more running, and lost about 30 lbs since coming to Grace. Not to mention the weight loss probably comes from eating healthier regular meals, chasing kids around town, and running but I have never felt better about how I feel than I do now. I feel more energized since picking up running and coming to Grace. I have also had the experience of attempting to Water Ski this past summer. Although I only butt surfed this time I have faith I will get up this next summer! I have experienced a trip to Sonic for the first time...plus many more, many camp fires with friends and many more wonderful adventures. I am so thankful for each memory that has come to me being here at Grace. It has definitely made up for the many struggles I have faced as well. I have struggled, and continue to struggle with many personal problems back home that make it so hard to even explain here. The conflict going on inside my head has been a constant worry and as I prepare to go home on Tuesday it doesn't make things any easier. However, I try to be strong for my kids and make it through. The moments when I feel like crying usually are when I can't since I am working but I am happy to see some changes in the kids I work with. Although my life has been a struggle this year I am so grateful for the many opportunities I have had this year at Grace with the kids, staff and the experience itself. Even though I don't know how long I will continue to be here at Grace I am going to enjoy the most of it for the time that God has placed me here. Thank you all for your continued support through this year and the many more experiences that are to come.
Love,
Ashley
Take a look at some fun memories from this past year!
The Job: This year I never would have believed how much I learned and grew from working at Grace. When I first started at Grace I was definitely scared and didn't have a clue what I was doing. I came to a new career and although I went to school for youth ministry there was definitely nothing in the study books and classes about kids who run away, threaten you, cuss up a storm and much more. Through my 8 months working at Bader Cottage with a group of many girls, and my 4 months working at Boys Cottage with boys I have had many experiences and kids that made me wonder why in the world I was even in this job in the first place...not to mention how would I even make it through my first year! I spent my time at Bader wondering how in the world girls could be that crazy, not to mention when you put them all in a house together it goes nuts! Then my time at Boys has made me wonder how I can survive this smell that is constantly lingering, trying to have boys respect me as an authority even though I am female and wondering what I can do when a kid runs away, is caught with cigarettes or tries to use his male presence as an intimidation. But even through the threats, the crazy moments and the many nights I still have wondering why I am in this job I am also reminded through many moments with the kids and staff I work with that things will be okay. When I was working at Bader I loved how much I learned from firstly the staff I worked with Becca and Hannah. The two in themselves are definitely a bit more crazy then I would ever expect to be friends with (and yes I know you read this but there it is) But in many ways I know it has been good for me. It has helped me come out of my shell more. Although I am still an Introvert I am also a bit more willing to try new things. Those two were the first team I worked with and we made an awesome team. I learned how to handle kids and not back down, build relationships with the girls, keep my relationship with God in check while running a house of girls including cooking, shopping, balancing checkbook, allowance and always monthly paperwork. But even through all of that I have learned not only to manage a cottage but the importance of building relationships even a midst the hard times. Then the girls themselves have taught me a lot. I built many relationships with the girls I have worked with, and although I have now learned the importance of setting authority before relationships I think each of the relationships I have built have made me learn that not only am I teaching these girls some important aspects in life but they are also continuing to teach me how to be patient and to grow in myself. Then you switch over to working with the boys I work with now. In the past 4 months of working at Boys Cottage I have seen myself grow tremendously. I have become more confident in being authoritative and with working with boys I automatically have a boundary wall that allows me to not only have a healthy relationship with them but to also be more authoritative than I had at Bader. You then throw in my new team working with Andrew and Nolan and it makes for an interesting party. I always say I have 7 boys I take care of because there are some days I feel I need to take care of my fellow staff as well. I have found myself struggling a lot with a few boys especially in the aspect of them not respecting female authority. These past two shifts especially have been tough where I have been emotionally torn down by the comments and behaviors of a few of the boys, and I thankfully have Nolan and Andrew who continue to support me and stand up for me. They have given me that extra strength I need to at least make it through the shift even when my emotional status is about to break. I don't deny that we have our problems, but what team doesn't have conflict? But it is how we work through it and continue to support each other that gets us through the rough times. We have finally established how we want the cottage run as a new team coming in and it is great. It will definitely be hard once each of them start to transition out of the cottage once their year is up. Each cottage has definitely made me grow this past year with the relationships, the tests I face each day to simply just learning more about myself as I deal with each individual kid and the challenge they face and give me in order for them to grow but for myself to grow as well. I wish I could share some pictures with you all but if you were to ask me of stories I have tons of those for sure!
My Fellow Staff:
Words cannot even begin to describe the many relationships I have built through my year here. I have made some pretty strong relationships with some, some have fallen and even grown stronger throughout the year. If I would have thought I'd have such a great support network in the people I work with I wouldn't have believed it when I first came down here. I am truly blessed by each friendship that I have down here. They strive to challenge me, test my patience like most friendships do, and we help one another grow. As stubborn as I am, I am definitely grateful for the friendships I have. I honestly don't know where I would be especially emotionally this past year if it weren't for some of my friends. That isn't to say I am fully emotionally healed but they have definitely gotten me out of my shell and trying new things I never thought I would do upon moving to Nebraska. They have also taught me many key aspects to working and running a cottage. Each staff I work with has brought a different aspect to the cottage they work in and I have been able to apply each key thing they do well and be able to make where I work stronger. I have been able to play of their strengths and use my strengths as well. Although schedules have changed since I moved cottages I am grateful that I am able to see Hannah who no longer works with me at Bader when she doesn't work at the hospital. And even though I miss working with Becca at Bader I think our friendship has grown in many ways since we have had breaks together. I've definitely come out of my shell with her around and tried many new adventures. I have also gotten the opportunity to know Andrew and Nolan more with working with them. I didn't know them much when I worked at Bader but now having worked with them as I do, I continue to find many awesome gifts in each of them and enjoy our time together working and finding out what we have in common, and what we can do as a team to make the cottage run better, but to also be able to support one another when we are having a rocky time in our own lives. I have had opportunities to get to know Caitlain and Rebekah more on breaks which has been amazing to see how these friendships grow since we have never worked together in a cottage. It gives me the opportunity to build relationships with those I don't get to see as much but enjoy time together with.
Myself:
Which brings me to myself this past year. I can honestly say I have seen a difference in myself this past year. From taking a chance to moving to a small town I had never heard of or knew anyone was a huge leap. I have not only seen myself grow at the cottage but that in turn has made me grow personally. I have seen confidence build in myself I never knew I had. Although I still have my moments where I doubt myself, I can definitely feel confident in most of who I am. I have also been more willing to try new things this year. I have now gotten into running more thanks to my friend Becca. I have found it is a great way for me to release stress from work and my personal life. I have now accomplished two 5K's this past year, done a lot more running, and lost about 30 lbs since coming to Grace. Not to mention the weight loss probably comes from eating healthier regular meals, chasing kids around town, and running but I have never felt better about how I feel than I do now. I feel more energized since picking up running and coming to Grace. I have also had the experience of attempting to Water Ski this past summer. Although I only butt surfed this time I have faith I will get up this next summer! I have experienced a trip to Sonic for the first time...plus many more, many camp fires with friends and many more wonderful adventures. I am so thankful for each memory that has come to me being here at Grace. It has definitely made up for the many struggles I have faced as well. I have struggled, and continue to struggle with many personal problems back home that make it so hard to even explain here. The conflict going on inside my head has been a constant worry and as I prepare to go home on Tuesday it doesn't make things any easier. However, I try to be strong for my kids and make it through. The moments when I feel like crying usually are when I can't since I am working but I am happy to see some changes in the kids I work with. Although my life has been a struggle this year I am so grateful for the many opportunities I have had this year at Grace with the kids, staff and the experience itself. Even though I don't know how long I will continue to be here at Grace I am going to enjoy the most of it for the time that God has placed me here. Thank you all for your continued support through this year and the many more experiences that are to come.
Love,
Ashley
Take a look at some fun memories from this past year!
Here is to many more memories in 2014!
Tuesday, December 3, 2013
The holidays have quickly approached. Thanksgiving along with my 11 month mark here at Grace have come and gone. It is absolutely astounding how quickly time has flown by! As I prepare for heading home for Christmas I am all caught up with many different emotions and that puts me in a bit of a funk. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled to be able to go home for the first time in a year and see my friends and family, but at the same time I struggle and am less than thrilled to go home and realize I won't be seeing certain family and friends. It is a choice that I made, and I would do it again if someone asked me to, but at the same time if I could choose to not have to deal with the random text messages that are full of manipulation and guilt trips...I could definitely do without those. I am finding myself biting my nails more than I have in months and I don't know why I feel so guilty when I have done nothing wrong. Am I supposed to feel guilty? Because as much as I hate to admit it, she is winning and I do feel guilty and I hate the fact that it is coming to that! How can one person have so much control over me and my emotions even after not talking to them for 3 months! The fact that I care I know is a good thing in some ways, because after all I do love this person and I wouldn't wish anything bad upon them...but at the same time isn't the whole point of no communication until I am ready (if I am ready at this point) supposed to mean we don't have ANY communication and that includes that random messages thrown at me after a few months to make me feel bad! How is that supposed to help me any...just when I think I am emotionally and spiritually headed back onto the right path where I can breathe again, the monkey wrench gets thrown in and explodes all the progress I have made and instead of simply going back to square one...I feel like I am back at like square -10! So when people ask me "are you excited to go home for Christmas and see your family?" how do I respond to that now? Yes I am excited to see many people I haven't seen in a year, yes I am excited to share all of the wonderful and yet challenging things and people God has placed into my life down here at Grace and the wonderful friends, yes I am excited to see the beautiful North-lands of Minnesota...but no I am not prepared or excited for the challenges and repercussions I know that will await me after the trip when I don't see some people on my journey home. How are you ever prepared for that? I handle it the best way I know how to...I run, some might say both physically and I run from facing the emotions I am feeling, though I guess I wouldn't deny it at this point that it is exactly what I am doing. Physically running has definitely helped me especially these past few months. Now only do I find it good for my health to get more in shape and find an activity I have learned to enjoy when I never thought I would...but at the same time I find it a wonderful stress reliever. It is a great way for me to push all of my frustrations and built up emotions that I am unable to share or express and physically push it out when I run. As much as that helps most days I know I need to share my feelings more as my friends have been SO kind to point out. :P But even though I struggle to share how I feel and am working on it, and I may get frustrated with them trying to get me to talk...I am thankful for them and how persistent they are. In some ways I know it is good for me considering I never had friends who would do this before...take me for a spin in their car and refuse to let me out or lock me in a laundry room with them until I talked lol. Most people I grew up with and called friends would just say okay you are fine and move on...and perhaps that is the way I liked it growing up, or so I thought. Perhaps if I would have had some more friends like I do now I wouldn't be as emotionally screwed up as I am...and so I am sure I am going to never live this down when they decide to read this...but thanks for being pains in the butt, pushy and not giving up on me when I'm so emotionally broken...I need it.
On a lighter note, I am enjoying my time here at Grace. I will have been here a year on the 22nd. I am loving my time working with the boys and all the adventures they bring me on. Yes I indeed struggle with a few of them, some more than others but it is what keeps me going, keeps me growing and what I love to do. I wouldn't change my decision to move over to the Boys Cottage 4 months ago. I feel more comfortable and in my shoes...yes I miss some of the relationships I had with the girls but I feel like I have grown more as a person. I know that even though I would be free to leave once my year is up...I know my time is not yet up here at Grace. It will be hard seeing some of my friends leave as I know once their year comes they will be done at Grace but I choose to believe that God will keep us together even if not physically together at Grace. Some friendships cannot be broken if you choose to keep them. Although I do realize I will not be at Grace forever and it isn't my place to settle permanently, I know for now God still has a lot to teach me here and until He is ready for me to leave and move on, I will patiently wait and let Him continue to guide me and keep me learning and growing, and perhaps heal here as well.
Love,
Ashley
On a lighter note, I am enjoying my time here at Grace. I will have been here a year on the 22nd. I am loving my time working with the boys and all the adventures they bring me on. Yes I indeed struggle with a few of them, some more than others but it is what keeps me going, keeps me growing and what I love to do. I wouldn't change my decision to move over to the Boys Cottage 4 months ago. I feel more comfortable and in my shoes...yes I miss some of the relationships I had with the girls but I feel like I have grown more as a person. I know that even though I would be free to leave once my year is up...I know my time is not yet up here at Grace. It will be hard seeing some of my friends leave as I know once their year comes they will be done at Grace but I choose to believe that God will keep us together even if not physically together at Grace. Some friendships cannot be broken if you choose to keep them. Although I do realize I will not be at Grace forever and it isn't my place to settle permanently, I know for now God still has a lot to teach me here and until He is ready for me to leave and move on, I will patiently wait and let Him continue to guide me and keep me learning and growing, and perhaps heal here as well.
Love,
Ashley
Friday, November 15, 2013
I feel like these past few days have flown by. It seems like the shifts are going quickly most times even though there are the definite moments where I was overwhelmed. I have finally hit my point on the emotional scale that it is boiling over. I know that it is my own fault but I have such a hard time sharing my emotions and how I feel. It has never been easy for me to express when I am struggling and I think a lot of it has to do with growing up and having to be independent and take care of myself. If I were good at saying "hey my life sucks right now, I need to vent and cry!" it would be so much easier, but unfortunately I have never been that type of person. I am learning, as my friends keep pointing out, that it isn't good to keep things bottled up and holding my emotions in and I am starting to feel the affects of holding my emotions in. I am hoping that perhaps this break I can get over being stubborn and try to let myself be vulnerable. Which I know is always easier said than done...my fear is that if I start to share my emotions and let the tears fall, they won't stop. I don't want to be that person who just weeps in front of someone...vulnerability has never been my strong suit and the fact that I have never really had many friends who have been constant in my life makes it hard to open up to someone for fear of them walking out of my life as well. I know sometimes I over think things...okay well a lot of the time...but sometimes I just can't seem to turn my brain off and I always worry. I have been constantly worrying about everything going on in my life. From finances, work, friendships, family, health, my future...it is a constant whirlwind of emotions and thoughts running through my brain! I don't even know where to begin to try and process things. I mean I could vent and express how I feel but would it even make sense to those who aren't going through the same thing or would I just be rambling words to an ear that listens but doesn't fully understand? Sometimes it is just hard to share when you aren't sure the people you are talking to will even understand and in certain cases they can't even relate. I am struggling especially with the holidays coming up, don't get me wrong I don't mind working Thanksgiving and hopefully going home for Christmas but to not see family is hard for one thing, but with Christmas just not seeing my mom for that time I am up in Minnesota will be difficult and I know she will not be happy about it. But how do you see someone you aren't speaking to, especially on the holidays? I feel like that shouldn't be my first time I talk to her in what is so far two months...by Christmas it will be three. I mean she is planning on us getting together but she doesn't even know I am coming up and she just assumes that I am going to see her...not to sound harsh especially for many of you who don't know the situation, but no I won't see you. What makes you think that when I ask for space until I make some decisions in my life and hopefully you are making some changes and decisions in your life too but what makes you think I want to see you if we aren't speaking? It just seems common knowledge to me I guess that when someone says they aren't talking then that usually means you won't be seeing each other for the holidays as well. It just makes it hard for me emotionally too because I do love my mom but I also know this is a healthier thing for us to not be speaking or seeing each other at the moment. And to know that and realize that we won't be spending holidays together is hard...especially when I know that she will be I am sure laying the guilt and anger card closer to that time.
I got this devotional book yesterday called "Be Joyful: Even When Things Go Wrong, You Can Have Joy" by Warren W. Wiersbe, and it is a book focusing on the study of Philippians and how if Paul could be full of joy while in prison then why can't we be? Or how can we take another look at things and be more joyful. I started reading it last night at like 1:00 am and it hit me like a ton of bricks just in the first chapter. It is definitely going to be a book that is a tough read...tough but I think it will be good once I decide to open up. It asks typical questions but I realized right away after reading the chapter and the first set of questions set that they were super hard questions for me to answer even by myself. Questions such as What circumstances in your everyday life rob you of your Christian joy? Do you worry often? What do you worry about? In what ways do you feel secure? All of these questions just in the first chapter hit me hard...it honestly made me think what do I feel secure of? I can think of many things that I constantly worry about...more so the past few months but I realized there weren't many things on my list that I feel secure about. It is sad to think that I am not secure in most of the things in my life. It is one of the things I know I need to work on and never fully realized...I guess it just makes me more aware of how vulnerable I really am and how much I need the Lord in my life to pick up my many broken pieces. I am excited to see what this devotional will teach me, but at the same time I am terrified because I do know that it will be a difficult journey emotionally and spiritually, but then again this life is not meant to be easy.
I just find myself struggling with feeling joy, as much as I am super happy for my friends around me and all of the exciting things that are happening to them in their life, which I truly am super happy for them all, it also makes me a bit sad to see that they are so joyful and yet I am struggling so much and have no clue where my life is going and having all of these struggles in my life makes me not want to put that burden on their happiness and drag them down with me. I have been trying to find other ways of letting our my emotions, and I find myself running more, drawing and writing more often. I find that I can do my best attempt to push out my emotions through physically trying to push it would when I run. When I am hurting or am frustrated I simply push myself to run harder and it seems to work for a little bit. Plus you throw in the drawing and writing which have always been a good way for me to express my emotions since I have a difficult time actually saying them out loud (which I know is something I need to work on...but easier said than done.) Unfortunately, as I prepare to go back on duty tonight I find myself exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night for some reason, I just simply kept waking up every few hours and I find myself emotionally drained. Although I have slept a lot and tried journaling and drawing and running I am finding my emotions are overloading and I don't know what to do anymore at this point. Everything seems to be going on around me yet I have no clue what I am doing in my own life right now. I will hit my 1 year mark at Grace here next month, 3 days before Christmas, and although I have no clue what I am doing right now in my life or how to handle anything at this point, I am sure that I will stay at Grace for now..how long I am not sure but I do know that my time at Grace is still needed and that God still wants me here for the time being. I just wish I had more of a better understanding of the other aspects of the my life but unfortunately I will have to wait and see.
Love,
Ashley
I got this devotional book yesterday called "Be Joyful: Even When Things Go Wrong, You Can Have Joy" by Warren W. Wiersbe, and it is a book focusing on the study of Philippians and how if Paul could be full of joy while in prison then why can't we be? Or how can we take another look at things and be more joyful. I started reading it last night at like 1:00 am and it hit me like a ton of bricks just in the first chapter. It is definitely going to be a book that is a tough read...tough but I think it will be good once I decide to open up. It asks typical questions but I realized right away after reading the chapter and the first set of questions set that they were super hard questions for me to answer even by myself. Questions such as What circumstances in your everyday life rob you of your Christian joy? Do you worry often? What do you worry about? In what ways do you feel secure? All of these questions just in the first chapter hit me hard...it honestly made me think what do I feel secure of? I can think of many things that I constantly worry about...more so the past few months but I realized there weren't many things on my list that I feel secure about. It is sad to think that I am not secure in most of the things in my life. It is one of the things I know I need to work on and never fully realized...I guess it just makes me more aware of how vulnerable I really am and how much I need the Lord in my life to pick up my many broken pieces. I am excited to see what this devotional will teach me, but at the same time I am terrified because I do know that it will be a difficult journey emotionally and spiritually, but then again this life is not meant to be easy.
I just find myself struggling with feeling joy, as much as I am super happy for my friends around me and all of the exciting things that are happening to them in their life, which I truly am super happy for them all, it also makes me a bit sad to see that they are so joyful and yet I am struggling so much and have no clue where my life is going and having all of these struggles in my life makes me not want to put that burden on their happiness and drag them down with me. I have been trying to find other ways of letting our my emotions, and I find myself running more, drawing and writing more often. I find that I can do my best attempt to push out my emotions through physically trying to push it would when I run. When I am hurting or am frustrated I simply push myself to run harder and it seems to work for a little bit. Plus you throw in the drawing and writing which have always been a good way for me to express my emotions since I have a difficult time actually saying them out loud (which I know is something I need to work on...but easier said than done.) Unfortunately, as I prepare to go back on duty tonight I find myself exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night for some reason, I just simply kept waking up every few hours and I find myself emotionally drained. Although I have slept a lot and tried journaling and drawing and running I am finding my emotions are overloading and I don't know what to do anymore at this point. Everything seems to be going on around me yet I have no clue what I am doing in my own life right now. I will hit my 1 year mark at Grace here next month, 3 days before Christmas, and although I have no clue what I am doing right now in my life or how to handle anything at this point, I am sure that I will stay at Grace for now..how long I am not sure but I do know that my time at Grace is still needed and that God still wants me here for the time being. I just wish I had more of a better understanding of the other aspects of the my life but unfortunately I will have to wait and see.
Love,
Ashley
Sunday, November 3, 2013
I'm coming to day 6 today of my shift and I just find myself struggling a lot. Not only am I struggling with the everyday details of running a house full of teenage boys but just trying to figure out the details of my own life. I spent yesterday afternoon with one of my boys who decided in the middle of the school library to start arguing and bawling and screaming about a simple issue. After not being able to bring him to a point where he could have a normal conversation to find out the root of the problem I decided to walk him to the Grace Office to avoid more of a scene than had already been created. From the school library, all the way down the hallways, outside and down Main Street and into the office he wailed, screamed and argued with me...if my headache wasn't bad before it has escalated then. It was just a rough afternoon followed by thankfully a decent rest of the night. I spent most of the shift doing things like cleaning, organizing the cottage and baking around the cottage while the kids were in school, Not to mention we had a toilet issue so my co-worker Nolan got the not so fun end of the job of cleaning about a years worth of crusted on urine and taking the toilet out with our boss...welcome to Boys Cottage I guess, where they need to learn how to aim and use a toilet and shower correctly so the floor doesn't leak or mold. Never a dull moment here working with a house full of teenage boys. Always something to clean and teach them how to do. Though it seems like time is just flying by these days. The past few shifts have gone by mostly so fast...given the select few days where they drag on. But with each passing moment and difficult time and fun times I learn something new about myself and the boys as well. We also got the opportunity to take some new photos for our wall in the cottage so we now have fall photos of each of the boys and also a wonderful family portrait that is sitting on top of our mantel. It is starting to look like a cozy fall home now and I am loving it! If only I could light some candles I would be super excited but seeing as it is a fire hazard here and we don't need the kids around fire I will have to just live without it. There are always things to do around the house and my mind is always reeling.
Mostly my mind has just been spinning trying to figure out some friendships. It seems like I am constantly questioning friendships since I've been in high school. I have learned from a long time ago, at least since I was in high school for sure that friendships can change in an instant and no matter how many times it has happened to me...which has been more often than I'd care for...I've always had the friends who I invest more into them than I get out of our friendship. Maybe this is why I learned to just never open up and share what I am feeling. I just bottle things up and never let my friends know the hurt or the struggles I face in my personal life. What is the point if in the end you are going to question how much someone actually cares for you or why you are always listening to their problems and they never once ask you about how you are doing? I mean don't get me wrong, I do have some amazing friends but lately I've just been wondering about some of my friendships that I have. In the past few months I have evaluated a few of my relationships with friends and even with family and had to make some difficult choices with getting rid of communication in some relationships but also stepping up in relationships as well. But I still wonder how much time do I invest in some relationships, when it seems like it is a one way street? I have been down this road many times in my life and it just sucks to have to say it is happening again when I thought things would change. It is always difficult to have to make decisions like this because they are hard each time when you have to decide, how much am I giving in these relationships and what am I getting in return. No matter how many times you have to go through this it doesn't get any easier. I am very grateful though for the friendships that I do have and those I can talk to, even if sometimes it takes some pulling teeth for me to actually express how I feel or on other occasions a kick in the butt for me to listen to their advice, I do appreciate all they do for me. I am just a stubborn person who is used to doing things on my own for so long that it is hard to accept help when it is offered. Perhaps this situation I am going through with figuring out relationships is part of the reason I have such a hard time expressing my feelings or thoughts out load or accepting help....man perhaps I should be in a group home...oh wait I am, just in charge and not a resident! I just thank God for all of you that He has placed in my life and the friendships He has given me all around the world. I look forward to continuing many friendships and just continue to pray that I get some guidance in what I need to do. God has a plan and I guess in His own time and way He shows us what is best for us...even if it is hard to accept.
Love,
Ashley
Mostly my mind has just been spinning trying to figure out some friendships. It seems like I am constantly questioning friendships since I've been in high school. I have learned from a long time ago, at least since I was in high school for sure that friendships can change in an instant and no matter how many times it has happened to me...which has been more often than I'd care for...I've always had the friends who I invest more into them than I get out of our friendship. Maybe this is why I learned to just never open up and share what I am feeling. I just bottle things up and never let my friends know the hurt or the struggles I face in my personal life. What is the point if in the end you are going to question how much someone actually cares for you or why you are always listening to their problems and they never once ask you about how you are doing? I mean don't get me wrong, I do have some amazing friends but lately I've just been wondering about some of my friendships that I have. In the past few months I have evaluated a few of my relationships with friends and even with family and had to make some difficult choices with getting rid of communication in some relationships but also stepping up in relationships as well. But I still wonder how much time do I invest in some relationships, when it seems like it is a one way street? I have been down this road many times in my life and it just sucks to have to say it is happening again when I thought things would change. It is always difficult to have to make decisions like this because they are hard each time when you have to decide, how much am I giving in these relationships and what am I getting in return. No matter how many times you have to go through this it doesn't get any easier. I am very grateful though for the friendships that I do have and those I can talk to, even if sometimes it takes some pulling teeth for me to actually express how I feel or on other occasions a kick in the butt for me to listen to their advice, I do appreciate all they do for me. I am just a stubborn person who is used to doing things on my own for so long that it is hard to accept help when it is offered. Perhaps this situation I am going through with figuring out relationships is part of the reason I have such a hard time expressing my feelings or thoughts out load or accepting help....man perhaps I should be in a group home...oh wait I am, just in charge and not a resident! I just thank God for all of you that He has placed in my life and the friendships He has given me all around the world. I look forward to continuing many friendships and just continue to pray that I get some guidance in what I need to do. God has a plan and I guess in His own time and way He shows us what is best for us...even if it is hard to accept.
Love,
Ashley
Saturday, October 26, 2013
It is now October 26, it marks day one of my break. I have now been here for 10 months working here at Grace Children's Home. These past 10 months have brought many changes to my life. I have made many wonderful friends and really grown as a person in becoming who God wants me to be. The growth comes from both the fun times and the challenging parts of my job. I find that in the past month and a half since I have been working at Boys Cottage I see myself growing each day. It is a wonderful feeling to see that I am not only helping the boys grow but I am as well. This past shift especially that I was in has been hard. I am finding myself to be more agitated and more irritated than normal. Not to mention I am always tired but I can't sleep until bedtime because there is always something that needs to be done around the house. I just have had a few days these past few weeks but especially this week where I just want to cry and let whatever crazy emotions go...even though I don't know why they are there. I have just had a crazy long shift, on day 2 I felt like I was on day 9...and apparently I looked like it according to my co-worker haha. I just had many moments where the boys would be emotionally struggling and I was trying to deal with that...not to mention I had a few moments where I felt like I was just working by myself. It's those moments when you freak out and you just don't know what to do. Not to mention, stupid me had to sit on my stubborn high horse and not accept the help of my friends for a few weeks...I hit my head about three weeks ago when I fell out of bed and hit my night stand. I didn't think it was a big deal that I still had a headache two weeks later, and finally my friends may have told my boss who made me go to the doctor. Suffered a slight minor concussion which is no biggie...I thought I was fine and could play basketball again since the doctor never said a specific date (or I am just stubborn I guess) and although I didn't push myself to the full extent that I could have when playing with the guys I realized the next day when I woke up how I was not ready for that. It could have been the little tap in the head by the basketball to the back of the head that made it hurt a bit more but it was like a wake up call that made me FINALLY realize that I need to take care of myself. (insert and "I told you so" from my friends probably).It just made me honestly wish I had listened to my friends in the first place. I guess I am just so use to being independent and not needing anyone to take care of me that when someone actually came to try and help me, I chose not to accept the help. I am truly grateful for these friends of mine. It is just taking me a little longer to realize that there are actually people out there who care for me and aren't going to leave me, or turn on me, or in some way shape or form hurt me. I've been hurt too many times in the past emotionally that I guess I have just built this wall up and have gotten use to it. I guess that is something that is truly great about this job is that although it is an extremely difficult lesson to learn I am starting to learn to be humble and open to people helping me...well starting to. It is a long process I think but I think it will only get better once I accept the help people have to offer. These past 10 months have really taught me a lot about not only the lives these kids live, but really about myself and the importance of friendship. These past few weeks I have gotten to create a lot of memories with my friends including raking and jumping in leaves with my boys, a 5K Color Run with Becca which involved running in the cold and having paint thrown at us while we did it...nothing like a fun messy run to start your day off! It was just great to do those things that are fun and even if you do it once you create memories to last. Not to mention I got to sit and watch Becca and Hannah take on the boys in a basketball game (which I couldn't play unfortunately) wearing ridiculous outfits that make your day that much brighter...I think it is those little things that brighten your day even when you get down. Knowing that you have those friends that can help you get through anything even if you can't see it yourself. Which I am glad to know I have that because whatever struggles I am dealing with right now I know that I have friends for, as long as I open up. It is not to say things are perfect in my life because to be honest my life is pretty messed up as we speak and I don't know where my future leads even in the next few months but at least I have some great people who love and support me. Plus as much as this job is stressful, I also love these kids and the things I am learning each day working with them. Each challenge brings a new lesson to learn.
Love,
Ashley
Love,
Ashley
Monday, September 30, 2013
It is now the end of September...crazy how time flies. I find myself at a battle of my own thoughts. Which I hate when that happens. It has now been 10 days since I last spoke to the person I wrote my letter to asking for space, and so far she has been gracious enough to understand and give me the space I asked for...which includes no contact until I am ready. I find myself being happy again, which I know should be a great thing...but at what cost since I am no longer talking to this person? Is it because I am not speaking to her that I am happy? Don't get me wrong I love that I am happier than I have been in a long time and I know I need to do what is best for me and my life...but at the same time I feel so guilty. I feel like I shouldn't have guilt for being happy and taking care of myself...but she is my family. There are many days I just sit and ponder how she is holding up, and although I don't regret the decision I finally made, I do want to cry for what I lost as well. It is okay to cry for the loss in your life I know but I struggle to cry. When I want to cry I can't and at the bad moments of when I don't want to cry...especially in front of people is usually the time that I start to cry and hold it in. I've always grown up just thinking that crying was a sign of weakness and shows vulnerability and I hate it...it is something I am trying to work on but it doesn't make it any easier. I can feel my emotions just bottling up inside of me so much that I shake...I honestly think it isn't so much the fact that I am now happy but the fact that I have had so many emotions running through my body and held in over the past 24 years that it all is now coming to a peak since I have taken control of the situation that caused most of the problem. 24 years of built up frustration, anger, sadness and now peace comes boiling to the top and my body is feeling it. If I could just find a simple solution to I don't know...say cry...then my problems would probably be solved! Why did I have to be a person who tries to act all tough and not show vulnerability? I guess on the upside it helps in my job situation. Working with 5 teenage boys in a cottage you definitely need to show that you mean business and not show any signs of weakness or they would use it against you. I am finding that working with the boys is easier for me than with the girls. I have learned how to not only run a house and take care of the boys, but also be firm and authoritative in the past month I have begun working with the boys. I don't deny that I still have a lot I need to learn and grow in, especially when it comes to working with boys, but I think it is an amazing learning experience. It helps me learn how to take leadership and since I don't have as much of an emotional relationship like I did with the girls I worked with I am able to not only focus on the job at hand, but at the same time when I am off duty and even on duty I can start to think about my own personal life...which is both good and bad. Because I know, as well as many others probably do, that when your mind is free to think about yourself, especially while laying in bed, your mind wanders and begins to worry. I spent this break so far being super productive with baking, hanging out with my friends and just being happy...but I spent tonight painting which was wonderful since I was feeling inspired, but I also just felt like reverting back into my introverted self again...which never fails to get attention I guess. I wish I were better at not being so introverted, or at least better at saying I am fine and not showing when something is bothering me...especially because I hate being a burden to my friends, especially because I know they all have so much on their minds lately as well. Why add to their plate as well? I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying and devotions the past few weeks and I just pray that God will continue to guide me on this journey that is beginning to take an emotional turn for me. I know He has the strength to lead and guide me, and I know He will not only in my personal life but my job as well and help me with these kids that I am working with. Lord just give me the patience and guidance to do things according to your will, and thank you for giving me such wonderful friends who are constantly supportive of me...even when I can't express how much they mean to me and how much I need them. As I go about this next shift I go in looking to be a bit more hopeful and go in with my eyes open to opportunity.
Love,
Ashley
Love,
Ashley
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