It has been awhile since I last blogged, since I took my trip back to Minnesota two months ago. Two months and I feel like so much has happened in those couple of months. It was wonderful to go home, or at least what I considered home a year ago, and see my family and friends. Being home reminded me of just how much time and things have changed, not only for myself but my family as well. It almost seemed like life had continued to move on around me back in Minnesota and I was stuck in the same spot I was before I left. Which I know isn't the case considering life had continued to move for me as well, just in a different state and environment than my family. It was wonderful to see my family and all the joy they bring to me, but at the same time I was definitely ready to go back to Nebraska even after a few days. It has made me realize that Minnesota is no longer my home and Nebraska and the life I have created down here has become my home and I now feel more comfortable here than I do in Minnesota. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy going back to Minnesota and visiting family and seeing everyone but it is a great feeling to come home and be in your own home and I somehow got a sense on my journey back from Minnesota that I just knew that I would no longer live in Minnesota. Even when I do move on from Nebraska and Grace Children't Home, whenever that may be, I just have this sense of knowing I will no longer live in Minnesota and I have a sense of peace about that and just know it is okay.
The past few months upon my return to Nebraska have been super crazy. It has been a transition of staff switching around, staff leaving and kids being royal pains. It has definitely been a draining adventure. I do love working with the boys for sure, but some days they just annoy me to the point where I want to walk out. I have one boy who has been a really big struggle for me the past month or so more than usual. He doesn't respect females at all and since learning he will be going home soon he has kicked his rude behavior up at least 20x worse. Which, for all the staff and residents that are around him it makes it super challenging to work or deal with, but as a female I feel personally it makes it that much harder because I feel the attack even more. It makes me emotionally drained very quickly not only to have to put up with his comments and actions, to try and hold him accountable but also to not let him see how much it bothers me because I know he wants a reaction but he won't get it from me. It makes it that much harder to hide it when it is worse than ever. There were countless times this past shift that I was ready to burst into tears, wanted to punch him in the face or just walk out of the house but I knew I couldn't do any of these things. I mean I know he has grown a lot the past few months he has been here but I think he is the one I struggle with the most since I have been working here at Grace. I think that is mostly because I have never been attacked for being a female this much in all of my life and so now I am counting down for the days until he leaves. I am in hopes that once he leaves things will be a bit better for not only myself but the rest of the cottage environment. I know that there is always going to be that one kid who gets under your skin and it helps you grow but at the same time I emotionally need to recover from the past few months. I can tell my body is physically exhausted not only from the lack of sleep I have been getting but also from the emotional draining I have been through and it is taking its toll on me.
To go along with the emotional toll I have been going through, I finally made a decision a few weeks ago that wasn't easy to come by. I finally blocked the one person who has been playing with my emotions for many years but recently the past few months. As much as I love this person I have finally realized that she isn't going to give me the space I have asked for over 7 almost 8 months ago and I just need to take actions myself. I mean I can't fully figure things out in my life if she is still texting and calling me and verbally attacking me at the same time. I just got sick of all the manipulation that I decided enough is enough. This decision by far wasn't the easiest decision to make by far and I'm not saying it is permanent. I just need her to get her life in order, if she chooses to, and I need to get my life back on track for me and not always having that constant worry or fear that she is going to text me or call me, even after she promised to give me the space I need. They always say that the hardest part is to actually follow through with the decision you make and when I finally blocked her phone number, you have no idea how relieved I felt all of a sudden. It is sad though isn't it? You would think that I would feel a sense of sadness for blocking her and regret it immediately especially once she finds out, but it was the exact opposite feeling. I felt free and able to start to get my life back and live my life according to me and not her. I no longer have to have the fear of her texting or calling me. Yes, I know it isn't a permanent solution but it gives me the chance to figure out what I want to do with the situation...minus the manipulation and guilt trips every few weeks. I just pray that God will continue to guide me in the decisions I have to make as well as the decisions that she has to make, if she so chooses.
At this point I am just trying to take it all a day at a time and work through everything going on in my life. The frustrations and emotions in my head and eventually get some sleep as well. I am praying for a better shift this week but so far not in high hopes but we shall see.
Love,
Ashley
