As I go into my day 6 tomorrow, I am all over the place with emotions. I spent this last break, which happened to be my first normal break in over a month, and this shift trying to process all that has taken place in my life the past month. This post may very well be a venting post to get some of the many things off of my mind, but then again this is a blog and most people talk about what is on their mind here right? Plus those of you who actually read this I would hope give a crap about my life. :) I have never been very good at expressing my feelings and thoughts to people in conversation but found that a healthy way for me to get some of my feelings and thoughts out were to write and to do art. So this is just one of the many ways I find useful to process all the crappy things going on in my life. 

In the past month I have dealt with more things than I ever thought possible ranging from all sorts of different aspects of my life. From simple things like trying to figure out my medical bills ( which if this is the simplest thing in my life then move over!) to major issues with my mom, boy problems and then add in the everyday parts of my work life with 5 teenage girls. So where do I start. As many of you know, who know me well enough, I have never been great at showing emotions when it comes to how much I hurt. I simply put a smile on my face and say “I’m fine.” Which unfortunately…or perhaps its fortunate I am learning that my friends down here see through that bull crap and call me out on it. Anyway, so all of these emotions have been built up this past month and everything just hit the fan this past break and I spent two hours sobbing. One hour of which was after a very rough phone call with my mom and I ended up biking down the street to my friend Caitlain’s house and just bawled my eyes out on her living room floor. Honestly, it felt great to cry my eyes out and just express everything that has been bottling up inside of me. Although it isn’t easy for me to always express how I feel, it is great to know I have some friends I can go to just to bawl my eyes out or vent and they can do the same.

To start with the simple challenge in my life…I recently saw my new neurologist around my birthday since I am required to see a doctor once a year to make sure that I am doing ok and my medication for my epilepsy doesn’t need changing. All is well; however I was left with like $140 to pay and after my student loans were paid it didn’t leave me a lot this month to pay it. I mean I know I get 80% reimbursed but still it did a huge amount of damage and I am the type to worry about my finances. I guess that is something I am still learning is to put God in control and trust that He will provide. I just struggle so much because I like to be independent and it is super hard for me to accept and ask for help when I need it.

Secondly, I have my work. I mean yes I have my normal ups and downs with the kids. But now our schedules are getting rearranged because some staff are leaving Grace and just to mix things up. Which I mean I am okay with being where I am needed but at the same time it is hard because I have been at the same cottage for almost 7 months with Becca and Hannah and I love them both and love working with them! I mean I thankfully get to still work with Becca and we now have days off together as well, but I don’t get to work with Hannah anymore which is super sad! Instead of working 6 days at Bader I will now be working 3 days at Bader and 3 days at Boys Cottage. It is a good and a bad thing I think, I mean it gives me the opportunity to get away from all the girl drama the teenage girls bring for 3 days, but at the same time it means I will be constantly moving again which I don’t like. I loved being able to have my own room at Bader and have my space and not have to move somewhere every 3 days. I also think if I am being honest with myself I hate change. I have had so much change in my life growing up until now that constant change is just frustrating to me. Which is a very difficult thing for me to learn and change is the fact that sometimes changes are a good thing in all aspects of life.

Speaking of changes, I have taken a step into a better part of my life by cutting out a friendship that was probably unhealthy for me to be in…my friends definitely know this seeing as while talking to this friend when I said I wouldn’t I got hit in the head with a spoon! You know you have good friends when they can hit you in the head with a spoon while eating ice cream when you are being stupid. As funny as it sounds I do appreciate the fact that the spoon incident did happen. However, even though I was friends with this guy I know it was an unhealthy relationship to be in for both of us just because we both have a lot going on in our lives and we need to grow in ourselves and our relationship with God before anyone else can be involved. And although we were just friends there was always a little more than we were willing to accept I think. So I wrote him a letter since he is back home so I couldn’t talk to him face to face and I find writing is an easier way for me to express how I am feeling. I cut that relationship and just said we couldn’t talk anymore as much as it sucks but I think in the long run it will be better for both of us. I just hate hurting friends even though it is for the better. It is hard to know you are doing the right thing but at the same time you are hurting someone in the process. How do you deal with that? Not to mention that any day now he should be receiving this letter and I am not sure if he will respond to it at all or actually just start not talking. It will be hard whether he accepts the decision and agrees or if we will end an amazing friendship with him being mad at me and not understanding it. We shall see I guess.

Finally, I am overloaded by so many constant changes that have happened in my family life with my mom. I am not about to go into detail all this information especially because things are still unfolding. Plus those who are super close in my life already know what all is happening. It is just really hard to not worry and want to help. At the same time, it is hard to live a life and have a relationship with her when I know that I have so much hurt from the past 24 years of my life down deep that I have wounds from still. I mean over all she has been a fabulous mom, and especially after seeing some of the relationships and hurt these kids I work with have…I know I can’t really compare. However, I have many scars that still hurt and she doesn’t have a clue. I have contemplated writing a letter and sharing all of these feelings with her, but I also don’t know if I should give it to her. I don’t want to hurt her, especially because I still do want a relationship with her because I love her, but at the same time I can’t just hold these feelings in and hope for the best. I can either write a letter just to vent and not give it to her which will let me express it but not hurt her, but if I don’t give the letter to her she will never know the hurt I’ve had…gosh life is so stinking confusing. I wish I knew what to do.

These are the times that I know I need to put my trust in God and that He will provide. But sometimes because I am so independent I feel like I can’t ask for help and as horrible as it sounds even from God. It is like a part of me feels that if I have to ask Him for help I am showing a sign of weakness. I know it isn’t the case yet for some reason it is still SO hard for me to ask for help or to cry. It is something I KNOW I need to get better at and I am trying my hardest but it will take a lot. I just pray that God continues to have the patience with me as I try to continue seeking Him and going to Him for help. I also pray that my friends continue to have patience with me as I continue to try and work on expressing how I feel, sharing my frustrations and definitely asking for help. I love each and every one of you and I am glad you are in my life. I know I am not perfect, nor do I try to pretend to be perfect. I just ask that you continue to be patient with me as I am trying to get things in order.

Love,

Ashley

P.S here are a few pictures from my past break when I ran the 5K and my friends Becca and Megan ran the 10K! We survived and super proud of them both!