It has been 8 months since I have moved to Nebraska and so many things have changed in my life. At this point as I enter into the beginning of fall and school starting for the kids many changes come around with a new school year both at Grace and in my personal life. Coming at the end of the month/beginning of September with new staff arriving, others having left I have been asked to move as a primary staff over to Boys Cottage to which I accepted. When Jess first left Grace for her new job I instantly had a gut feeling that I would be the next female staff they would ask to step up in Boys Cottage. At that time I was so conflicted on what I wanted to do and they hadn't even asked me yet! I was so torn on whether or not I would be able to handle being at Boys Cottage full time as opposed to being at Bader full time. I mean there is a distinct different in working with boys vs. girls! But then I started working split shift for the past few weeks where I spent 3 days working at Bader with the girls and then 3 days at Boys. Which that was the type of schedule I had when I first started working at Grace and although it is nice to have a break from one cottage and work at another throughout your shift it gets very tiring and annoying to keep moving homes every 3 days. It would be 3 days at Bader, 3 days at Boys then 3 days off so moving every 3 days is a pain! So having an official answer is nice. I was ready to have a permanent place again. Here is the hard part of the move however, although I think now that I have had time to process and think on it and I know this move is right for me it will be hard. Being at Bader for the past 8 months I have formed a really good system of working with Becca and established great relationships with the girls. Although I won't be working with Becca anymore, if things continue to stay the same with breaks I will at least be able to have 3 days off with her, and I think ever since breaks and changes our friendship has grown a lot and I can't wait to see how the friendship continues to change and grow with the changes. Also though I have established relationships with each of the girls that are currently in the cottage. That is one of the distinct differences between working with girls and boys is that you can build more of a relationship with girls. With me I am such a relational person that being able to connect with the kids, sit down and chat and really listen to them is something I find important to working in ministry and knowing that I won't be getting that as much with the boys, especially having to create that extra boundary with the guys since I am a girl is really hard for me. I think I will struggle the most at Boys Cottage just simply because I like forming relationships with people and being able to understand their feelings and relate to them. At the same time I know it will be good  for me to have a fresh start at Boys and not be so relational at the same time. One of the biggest things I knew going into working down here in Nebraska was that I needed to grow in my authoritativeness. Well, at Bader I established more relational connections with the girls than authoritative because I connect so well with them but with the Boys I have already established more of a authoritative relationship than personal/relational which is great. I think it is easier to establish more of a authoritative role with the guys because you automatically set those boundaries and it just becomes easier to set up those extra boundaries. So now that I have had time to think about whether or not it would be better for me to be full time at Bader vs. Boys I was able to give my boss a pretty confident answer in knowing that I can not only be more helpful to the boys but also be able to grow myself even more than I have in the past 8 months if I were to move over to Boys Cottage as a primary staff...So come the end of this week I will be officially a Boys Cottage Primary Staff, but this also brings the dilemma of having to break the news to the girls that I will no longer be at the cottage...which will not be an easy task! I just pray that things go okay and they see that I am not abandoning them and that they will still see me around. It is always hard to leave especially having been there so long and having established relationships. Only time will tell how it will go and how they will respond...

Aside from my work changes, on a personal note, my own life has been a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. Most of it has to do as usual with my relationship with my mom. I received a phone call from my mom last Wednesday while I was on duty finding out some interesting news about my step dad, which I am not going into full detail here, if you want to know ask me personally, but it involved him getting arrested. Then Thursday court happened to which made things super crazy for my mom and then I receive a phone call on Friday finding out that my mom has some interesting stuff to share with me about herself over the past year and a half and that what happened Wednesday isn't the full truth and that once court happens in October she is going to share more of what happened with her to the Prosecuting Attorney. If this all doesn't make much sense, to put it simple without going into detail it results in both my mom and step dad possibly being charged, my mom going to treatment and another messy situation. I basically am on an emotional ride of trying to process all of the information my mom had just given to me while on duty. My brain right now is questioning how much I really know my mom at this point. The past year and a half has basically been a lie for the most part and it makes me wonder if anything ever really changed from when I was growing up. I just am struggling with the decisions that I have to make in my own life. I mean at some point, a kid can only take so much right? And they need to do what is best for them? I have been thinking the past few days over how it not only is affecting me personally but I can feel it affecting me while at work, because I am so lost in thought with my personal life I am not putting my full attention on the work at hand, which is not a good thing. And so I need to think over all what is best for me, the job that I have been placed at, and overall what is best. It is a lot to try and grasp an understanding of and very tiring. I just pray that God continues to guide me where He wants me both in work and my personal life. I spent the past break going home with Becca to her house and it was both a great and a hard experience for me. It was wonderful to get out of Henderson for the first time since I moved here without kids. Not to mention it was great to be able to spend some time with Becca and get to see where she grew up and meet more of her family. It was wonderful and we had a lot of fun. However, at the same time as we were hanging out with her sister making dinner for the whole family, I just had a realization of "this is how a normal family should be" and it made me realize just how not normal my family was growing up and continues to be.I mean I know every family has their problems but I have had so many times where there was conflict, we moved countless number of times and everything that sometimes I wonder how I ended up not in a group home like I work in! And so it was hard towards the end to see a wonderful home where they could say I grew up here my entire life, see the family having fun and be able to get together without arguing constantly was overwhelming. I don't regret going for one minute, but it just gave me a lot more to process  in how I am going to handle the up coming decisions I have to make in my own life and regarding how I am going to approach the issues at hand. I just ask for prayer during this time as I try to figure out what I am going to do, how my mom will handle it and how it will affect my family. Because regardless of the decision I make and changes I choose, it will affect our relationship either way. I thank all of my wonderful friends who have been supportive to me and have been able to try and help me process through this. I am very fortunate to have such amazing friends I can rely on and I couldn't ask for better friends. I know that if I take a few more days to pray and think about it, God will guide me to where He thinks I should be in my decision and although life isn't always easy and it is made to be hard, I know this is going to be a huge challenge for me to take and continue with.

Love,
Ashley