I have been spending my final day on break trying to keep busy. I actually have had overall an amazing break for once! No worries really...it actually felt like a break! Today I slept in which felt amazing, then just lounged around the house until 1:00 p.m. just reading, writing cards to friends and simply just spending time to myself. Then Becca and I drove up to York to go thrifting. We had gone shopping in Grand Island yesterday and my hopes of finding new clothes preparing for fall didn't happen. However, today I had more luck! We stopped first at Blue Valley where I was determined to find this shirt I found as a humorous joke but we were in there five minutes when this lady walks up to us and goes "Hi ladies, can I help you with something?" To which of course we naturally respond "No we are just looking." She then informs us that the store is actually closed until Monday so they can prepare for the seasonal change! Okay if you are closed the least you can do is lock the door or at least put a closed sign out front! Otherwise naturally people are going to assume the store is open right!? The one time we actually found some good things and they are closed so we couldn't even purchase them...how unfortunate! Thankfully our next stop at Trading Post found some better luck. I found 2 pairs of jeans and 4 shirts which I was super excited about! A really nice price for a good amount of quality clothes makes me super excited! Next and final stop on our list we ACE Hardware to pick out paint samples because we are in the process...or I should say I am in the process of preparing to paint our living room. Becca isn't a fan of painting which is fine, as long as I get my housemates opinions on the paint color I have no problem painting the living room. I find it rather enjoyable and it helps me relieve some stress so it is a nice hobby to do while the kids are in school. Well while we are shopping I receive a text from someone that makes me quite annoyed...naturally I am leaving this person's name blank in the blog but I have been not speaking to this person for almost a 3 weeks now and they asked me if I was mad at them. Well there are countless reasons to why I am not speaking to this person at the moment and am in process of writing to them, but I simply just replied "I am writing you a letter that will be coming soon." Well if I would have known that it would in turn cause the person to call me and text me at least 6 different times in the span of a half hour I wouldn't have sent it! It caused this person to start flipping out, manipulating me with responses and trying to get me to call them. So much for a nice break of no stress and worries.

When did things get so complicated? I mean like I previously wrote I knew this road I am about to partake wasn't going to be easy but I haven't even set foot on the path and it already has begun! These are the times that I need to truly rely on God and my friends for support. I found myself consumed once again by the stress, anger, sadness and frustrations that had consumed me for so long a few weeks ago. I am not ready to go back to that. This is why I need to make changes in my life and prepare for the battle. I just wish things didn't have to be so hard. I went for a bike ride tonight just to process again and it felt wonderful to simply just ride around town on my bike around the pond with the smell of fall on its way. I wish things could be that simple, where I can just ride my bike around the pond and have no worries, but in reality I know that isn't realistic. I know that as I enter my final two hours before I go back on duty tonight at Boys, I need to prepare myself to focus on the kids. After all this is the conclusion I came to 3 weeks ago, was that I need to be able to put all of my time and energy into these kids and helping them while I am on duty, after all they are the reason I am here. God placed me here to help these kids to the best of my capability and help them grow as well as myself. If I can't put my personal issues aside even a little bit then what am I doing here? This is the reason I stopped talking to the person in the first place temporarily. Then all of a sudden one little hiccup and it affects me all over again! This has to get easier right? If not I am going to be doing a whole lot more running and biking for sure! I just simply ask for continuous prayer during this time because I know that the first few weeks and maybe even months are going to be a huge challenge for me and this person as well. I never intend to hurt anyone and my fear is that this letter is going to hurt a person I truly love and care for, and it hurts me to know I have to write it but I also know I need to think about myself as well and what is best for me. I need to think about what is best for me and how I can be able to focus on my job, and the kids. My heart aches right now and I just pray that I can continue to find strength and guidance on this new road that is bound to have many challenges...

Ashley