Tomorrow marks 9 months of me working here at Grace Children's Home...it is hard to believe that I have been working and living in Nebraska for that long already! Not to mention that I haven't been back home or seen my family in that same amount of time! Time has gone so quickly that each day, each shift passes and blurs together. I think it blurs together especially when you have a rough shift. This past shift had been one of those shifts that started out bad...then progressively got worse with each passing day. By the time day 6 came alone I was physically and emotionally spent both from work but also from my personal life. With all that has gone on and the way I have been feeling I have basically been hibernating in my room the past two days of my break at least...or spending some personal time by myself at Starbucks with my devotional book.

My past shift consisted on one of our boys getting suspended from school for probably the 3rd or 4th time now since the beginning of school...which was the end of August! Only this time he was not allowed on school premise at any time during suspension, which means that when we went to pick up the other boys from school only one of us could go and the other had to stay back with him at the cottage.  After the first few days of this with constant work projects and trying to get him to do his school work because after all being suspended doesn't mean you get to have fun, we ended up having yet another meeting with Brian who is the Program Director and this kid was placed once again on intake. Which for those of you who don't know what intake is, or perhaps forgot from way back when, it is usually the first two weeks when a kid is first placed at Grace where they are required to stay within arms reach of a staff at all time, and must ask for permission before they go anywhere like their room or to the bathroom. So for this kid to be placed back on intake after so many months is something. Needless to say this kid wasn't very happy about it...but then again neither were we since we had to be with him all the time and to have to see that we couldn't trust him again is sad. It is always sad when you see a kid progressively get worse, although they become annoying and frustrate you, you in the end want what is best for them and to see them not trying and just constantly want to argue makes you sad and at the same time frustrated. He just has gotten so defiant more than normal and this past week has really shown it more so. I have worked so hard with this kid the past six days especially with trying to get him to work on his make up work or ANY school work and all he chose to do was continue to argue, and just sit on the floor. It was a super stressful week. Through dealing with that was one thing, not to mention of a few of the other boys had their moments as well this week, it was enough to make anyone emotionally and physically tired...but to make it worse my personal life has still been pretty rough...the person I mailed the letter out to a few days ago that I mentioned had received it on Thursday.

I know I have told a few of you personally about this letter I had been writing and to who it was sent to. This was probably one of the hardest letters to write. It was also probably one of the hardest letters to mail...and then sit and wait while I knew this person would respond once they received it...to which I received a simple text that said "Call me sometime, otherwise I will just let you be." To put it simple I knew she had received the letter...but to be honest I was expecting much more of a stronger response than that text. So realistically I am expecting this to be the calm before the storm. That in itself is making me have a hard time. I knew holding my boundaries would be difficult once I sent the letter in not calling, responding to calls or texts but as much as I know I need to hold to these boundaries I also know that this person is very capable of taking this super hard and I just don't want them doing something stupid. I know I am not the only one who received this text and it makes me wonder two things. 1.) is this person just trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad by sending this text message? and 2.) Will she do something stupid because I am taking time to separate myself from them and get my life in order and sent the letter? I know it is not my fault how they choose to respond and react to this letter and I need to worry about myself...but at the same time I do worry because I love this person so much and like I said, I don't want to cut this person out of my life completely and I don't want them making stupid choices and make a stupid action. I guess my fear is that one day I am going to wake up one morning to find that this person isn't there anymore...I don't want to carry that burden of thinking that because I sent this letter they chose to act in that way, but at the same time I know I am not responsible for the choices they make, whether deciding to act like a child or try and manipulate me into feeling sorry for them.

I am very grateful for the friends that I have who have been helping me through some of it. I knew going into this challenge that it was going to be a rough and rocky road, but I know this is only the beginning. My heart is heavy at the moment and I am doing my best to pull out of it but it isn't working so well at the moment. The fact that I am not only emotionally drained from work but this as well is exhausting. Hence why I have spent the past two of my three days of break sleeping, spending some time by myself all day in my room or Starbucks. I have been reading a few devotional books during that time as well though. I am realizing more than ever that I need Jesus right now. This is a battle that I cannot fight alone and I need His strength as well to get through it. He is the only one who can sustain me and give me strength. I am struggling to find the strength but I know He is the one who will supply it. This battle however, is not only affecting me emotionally but I know because I am stressed and overwhelmed that I can feel my body acting out as well. I simply sit there are quietly listen to the words I am reading or the music I am reflecting on and I can feel my body twitching. It has been a constant two days of my body just shaking and I am unsure of what to think or how to act. Aside from sleeping I don't think there is much I can do to take care of my body. There is a part of me that wonders if perhaps I have seized in my sleep, but there is no good way to be sure of that. I also realize however, that I need to try and figure out a way to take care of myself. This is probably a good night to go for a run since that is how I have taken out my stress and worries in the past. The only problem is that I am so exhausted I am not that motivated to go.

If this is only the beginning of this battle what is it going to look like in a few weeks? Months? I really do pray that it doesn't become permanent but I know I need to think of what is best for me, but I am going to have to take it a day at a time. I know I have these amazing friends who just want to hangout together, but honestly the way I am feeling, and perhaps it is the introvert in me, but I cannot handle 3 extrovert friends right now. I went out to dinner with them and a bunch of other people and it was definitely fun, but I just didn't have the energy to hold a huge conversation. I do love to be around people sometimes but I am definitely feeling the introverted part of me, where I just need my space and time to myself in order to get re-energized. Sometimes all I need is time to myself to process my thoughts, and re-cooperate...something I know some of my friends may not understand, then there are the friends who are introverted as well and completely understand it. I just wish I knew how to communicate better verbally to share how I am feeling, I have always been better at communicating through my words or my art (again the introvert in me) so when someone asks me how I am feeling or what is wrong...it is always easier for me to simply just say "I'm fine." or put a smile on my face, when at this point in time all I feel like doing is crying. I know it will get better in time, especially as things get better with work, and I begin to learn how to handle this situation better, and thankfully I have a good friend who is holding me accountable to not contacting or caving into the manipulation of this person who I am choosing to not have contact with at this time. I am so thankful that God has placed her and my other amazing friends in my life.

Although I know this battle is far from over and it will probably get worse, I am also excited to continue to read more of what the Lord has to teach me and help prepare my heart for this difficult road. I know this isn't the most cheerful post especially for my 9 month anniversary of working at Grace...but I honestly don't feel very cheery at the moment so I find it very fitting.

-"If you seek God alone, you will gain happiness: that is its promise." (Life Together by: Dietrich Bonhoeffer, p.84)

Something that I am continuing to seek and remember especially through these days of challenges. I just thank you all for continuing to support me through this journey down here at Grace and although a lot of you don't understand it all, through this personal challenge as well. I love you all!

Love,
Ashley