I have been spending my final day on break trying to keep busy. I actually have had overall an amazing break for once! No worries really...it actually felt like a break! Today I slept in which felt amazing, then just lounged around the house until 1:00 p.m. just reading, writing cards to friends and simply just spending time to myself. Then Becca and I drove up to York to go thrifting. We had gone shopping in Grand Island yesterday and my hopes of finding new clothes preparing for fall didn't happen. However, today I had more luck! We stopped first at Blue Valley where I was determined to find this shirt I found as a humorous joke but we were in there five minutes when this lady walks up to us and goes "Hi ladies, can I help you with something?" To which of course we naturally respond "No we are just looking." She then informs us that the store is actually closed until Monday so they can prepare for the seasonal change! Okay if you are closed the least you can do is lock the door or at least put a closed sign out front! Otherwise naturally people are going to assume the store is open right!? The one time we actually found some good things and they are closed so we couldn't even purchase them...how unfortunate! Thankfully our next stop at Trading Post found some better luck. I found 2 pairs of jeans and 4 shirts which I was super excited about! A really nice price for a good amount of quality clothes makes me super excited! Next and final stop on our list we ACE Hardware to pick out paint samples because we are in the process...or I should say I am in the process of preparing to paint our living room. Becca isn't a fan of painting which is fine, as long as I get my housemates opinions on the paint color I have no problem painting the living room. I find it rather enjoyable and it helps me relieve some stress so it is a nice hobby to do while the kids are in school. Well while we are shopping I receive a text from someone that makes me quite annoyed...naturally I am leaving this person's name blank in the blog but I have been not speaking to this person for almost a 3 weeks now and they asked me if I was mad at them. Well there are countless reasons to why I am not speaking to this person at the moment and am in process of writing to them, but I simply just replied "I am writing you a letter that will be coming soon." Well if I would have known that it would in turn cause the person to call me and text me at least 6 different times in the span of a half hour I wouldn't have sent it! It caused this person to start flipping out, manipulating me with responses and trying to get me to call them. So much for a nice break of no stress and worries.

When did things get so complicated? I mean like I previously wrote I knew this road I am about to partake wasn't going to be easy but I haven't even set foot on the path and it already has begun! These are the times that I need to truly rely on God and my friends for support. I found myself consumed once again by the stress, anger, sadness and frustrations that had consumed me for so long a few weeks ago. I am not ready to go back to that. This is why I need to make changes in my life and prepare for the battle. I just wish things didn't have to be so hard. I went for a bike ride tonight just to process again and it felt wonderful to simply just ride around town on my bike around the pond with the smell of fall on its way. I wish things could be that simple, where I can just ride my bike around the pond and have no worries, but in reality I know that isn't realistic. I know that as I enter my final two hours before I go back on duty tonight at Boys, I need to prepare myself to focus on the kids. After all this is the conclusion I came to 3 weeks ago, was that I need to be able to put all of my time and energy into these kids and helping them while I am on duty, after all they are the reason I am here. God placed me here to help these kids to the best of my capability and help them grow as well as myself. If I can't put my personal issues aside even a little bit then what am I doing here? This is the reason I stopped talking to the person in the first place temporarily. Then all of a sudden one little hiccup and it affects me all over again! This has to get easier right? If not I am going to be doing a whole lot more running and biking for sure! I just simply ask for continuous prayer during this time because I know that the first few weeks and maybe even months are going to be a huge challenge for me and this person as well. I never intend to hurt anyone and my fear is that this letter is going to hurt a person I truly love and care for, and it hurts me to know I have to write it but I also know I need to think about myself as well and what is best for me. I need to think about what is best for me and how I can be able to focus on my job, and the kids. My heart aches right now and I just pray that I can continue to find strength and guidance on this new road that is bound to have many challenges...

Ashley

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote and a few shifts later. I have been adjusting to life at Boys Cottage full time. It has definitely been a different environment compared to working at Bader with a bunch of teenage girls. For one thing it has been weird being the only female in the cottage with a household of five boys. Being considered the household "mom" is a definite weird feeling like one thing is that the guys I work with are not allowed to hang any decorations or buy decorative things without the "cottage mom's" permission. Now that is a weird feeling to me! I still even after 8 1/2 months here have not grown use to the fact of being called a cottage mom even though in essence it is what my job entails. It has definitely been an interesting experience all around. For starters I have finally gotten in the process of decorating my room at Boys Cottage. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to start decorating my room with hanging up pictures and cards from friends in order to make it more personal and more of "my room". It has been a few crazy and fun weeks trying to adjust and get things situated. One of the many fun things however in being apart of the boys cottage crew was that we decided to take a cottage photo in order to decorate our cottage more. This involved a giant mud pit and a mud fight! Yes you heard correctly...I suppose only in a small country town and a cottage full of boys would the family portrait consist of mud! I would post pictures of our portraits but it isn't allowed seeing as we need to keep the kids' privacy. However I will post some after pictures of myself, my friend Becca and my fellow friends/cottage partners Andrew and Nolan. There was fun to be had around and it was a great way to take some of the stress I have been holding out.

There has been so many changes in the past few weeks in my own life that I have put so much on hold. It is now time for me to get back on track with my own life and not let the emotional turmoil of my mom and family take its toll on me. I have come to some hard but good decisions the past week or so and now that I have accepted the changes and am sticking to them I am hoping my life will begin to take a turn for the better. I need to get my life back on track and trust that God will continue to guide me. It is funny, that although there have been a few hard decisions I feel better about the choices I am making for my life. I have had countless conversations with my Nana and many of my friends and each and every person has given me support, love and many words of encouragement that has helped me in the decisions I have been making, and I want to thank each and every one of you guys! Your input and advice has been very helpful to me and continues to help me as I know I am about to begin a very difficult journey ahead. But although the journey will not be easy I know that I am doing what is best for me and that God will continue to be my rock through these tough times.

I got to spend this past break with my friends Rebekah and Becca and I can honestly say that it has been the first break in quite a long time where the constant loom of sadness, worry and anger hasn't taken over me. I have actually been able to enjoy my time off more than I have before. Aside from a hard moment tonight as I finished up a letter, it has been relatively fun. I took care of that stress by going to the gym tonight and running a good 2 miles on the treadmill which helped me as well. I am so thankful to have such amazing friends that even in the tough times I can enjoy every moment with them and laugh and be happy. I am excited to see what is going to come within the next few weeks as well and many more fun opportunities. The road I am about to step onto will not be easy by far but I am trusting in God and know that I am not alone on this journey. Thank you all for continuing on this journey with me as well and being such an amazing support system. I love you all!

Love,
Ashley

                                                Andrew, Becca, myself and Nolan post mudfight!

                                                       Becca and I

                                         The new Boys Cottage Staff: Nolan, Andrew and myself

                              Becca and I after the mudfight. Great friends join in mud fights with you!

                                              Slightly muddy? The only way to spend a break!

                            A little mud never hurt anyone right? Welcome to Boys Cottage I guess!

                                     Our latest break...a trip to Sonic! First time and it was great! Some wonderful memories to be added to the book!

It has been 8 months since I have moved to Nebraska and so many things have changed in my life. At this point as I enter into the beginning of fall and school starting for the kids many changes come around with a new school year both at Grace and in my personal life. Coming at the end of the month/beginning of September with new staff arriving, others having left I have been asked to move as a primary staff over to Boys Cottage to which I accepted. When Jess first left Grace for her new job I instantly had a gut feeling that I would be the next female staff they would ask to step up in Boys Cottage. At that time I was so conflicted on what I wanted to do and they hadn't even asked me yet! I was so torn on whether or not I would be able to handle being at Boys Cottage full time as opposed to being at Bader full time. I mean there is a distinct different in working with boys vs. girls! But then I started working split shift for the past few weeks where I spent 3 days working at Bader with the girls and then 3 days at Boys. Which that was the type of schedule I had when I first started working at Grace and although it is nice to have a break from one cottage and work at another throughout your shift it gets very tiring and annoying to keep moving homes every 3 days. It would be 3 days at Bader, 3 days at Boys then 3 days off so moving every 3 days is a pain! So having an official answer is nice. I was ready to have a permanent place again. Here is the hard part of the move however, although I think now that I have had time to process and think on it and I know this move is right for me it will be hard. Being at Bader for the past 8 months I have formed a really good system of working with Becca and established great relationships with the girls. Although I won't be working with Becca anymore, if things continue to stay the same with breaks I will at least be able to have 3 days off with her, and I think ever since breaks and changes our friendship has grown a lot and I can't wait to see how the friendship continues to change and grow with the changes. Also though I have established relationships with each of the girls that are currently in the cottage. That is one of the distinct differences between working with girls and boys is that you can build more of a relationship with girls. With me I am such a relational person that being able to connect with the kids, sit down and chat and really listen to them is something I find important to working in ministry and knowing that I won't be getting that as much with the boys, especially having to create that extra boundary with the guys since I am a girl is really hard for me. I think I will struggle the most at Boys Cottage just simply because I like forming relationships with people and being able to understand their feelings and relate to them. At the same time I know it will be good  for me to have a fresh start at Boys and not be so relational at the same time. One of the biggest things I knew going into working down here in Nebraska was that I needed to grow in my authoritativeness. Well, at Bader I established more relational connections with the girls than authoritative because I connect so well with them but with the Boys I have already established more of a authoritative relationship than personal/relational which is great. I think it is easier to establish more of a authoritative role with the guys because you automatically set those boundaries and it just becomes easier to set up those extra boundaries. So now that I have had time to think about whether or not it would be better for me to be full time at Bader vs. Boys I was able to give my boss a pretty confident answer in knowing that I can not only be more helpful to the boys but also be able to grow myself even more than I have in the past 8 months if I were to move over to Boys Cottage as a primary staff...So come the end of this week I will be officially a Boys Cottage Primary Staff, but this also brings the dilemma of having to break the news to the girls that I will no longer be at the cottage...which will not be an easy task! I just pray that things go okay and they see that I am not abandoning them and that they will still see me around. It is always hard to leave especially having been there so long and having established relationships. Only time will tell how it will go and how they will respond...

Aside from my work changes, on a personal note, my own life has been a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. Most of it has to do as usual with my relationship with my mom. I received a phone call from my mom last Wednesday while I was on duty finding out some interesting news about my step dad, which I am not going into full detail here, if you want to know ask me personally, but it involved him getting arrested. Then Thursday court happened to which made things super crazy for my mom and then I receive a phone call on Friday finding out that my mom has some interesting stuff to share with me about herself over the past year and a half and that what happened Wednesday isn't the full truth and that once court happens in October she is going to share more of what happened with her to the Prosecuting Attorney. If this all doesn't make much sense, to put it simple without going into detail it results in both my mom and step dad possibly being charged, my mom going to treatment and another messy situation. I basically am on an emotional ride of trying to process all of the information my mom had just given to me while on duty. My brain right now is questioning how much I really know my mom at this point. The past year and a half has basically been a lie for the most part and it makes me wonder if anything ever really changed from when I was growing up. I just am struggling with the decisions that I have to make in my own life. I mean at some point, a kid can only take so much right? And they need to do what is best for them? I have been thinking the past few days over how it not only is affecting me personally but I can feel it affecting me while at work, because I am so lost in thought with my personal life I am not putting my full attention on the work at hand, which is not a good thing. And so I need to think over all what is best for me, the job that I have been placed at, and overall what is best. It is a lot to try and grasp an understanding of and very tiring. I just pray that God continues to guide me where He wants me both in work and my personal life. I spent the past break going home with Becca to her house and it was both a great and a hard experience for me. It was wonderful to get out of Henderson for the first time since I moved here without kids. Not to mention it was great to be able to spend some time with Becca and get to see where she grew up and meet more of her family. It was wonderful and we had a lot of fun. However, at the same time as we were hanging out with her sister making dinner for the whole family, I just had a realization of "this is how a normal family should be" and it made me realize just how not normal my family was growing up and continues to be.I mean I know every family has their problems but I have had so many times where there was conflict, we moved countless number of times and everything that sometimes I wonder how I ended up not in a group home like I work in! And so it was hard towards the end to see a wonderful home where they could say I grew up here my entire life, see the family having fun and be able to get together without arguing constantly was overwhelming. I don't regret going for one minute, but it just gave me a lot more to process  in how I am going to handle the up coming decisions I have to make in my own life and regarding how I am going to approach the issues at hand. I just ask for prayer during this time as I try to figure out what I am going to do, how my mom will handle it and how it will affect my family. Because regardless of the decision I make and changes I choose, it will affect our relationship either way. I thank all of my wonderful friends who have been supportive to me and have been able to try and help me process through this. I am very fortunate to have such amazing friends I can rely on and I couldn't ask for better friends. I know that if I take a few more days to pray and think about it, God will guide me to where He thinks I should be in my decision and although life isn't always easy and it is made to be hard, I know this is going to be a huge challenge for me to take and continue with.

Love,
Ashley

It is crazy to believe that as I go back on duty tonight it marks the final day of SAP tomorrow (Summer Activities Program)! Along with that brings the end of summer activities, great friends heading back to school and preparing for school to begin for our kids. Where did the summer go!? In many ways it seems like summer dragged on, and on many other parts it made summer go by extremely fast! By the time I go back on my break next Thursday it will be the kids first day of school! Holy cow! My mind is just reeling with the fact that school starts on the 15th! I am excited that with school brings more freedom to see my friends that work in other cottages that I don't really get to see that much especially during summer. With our staff changes and rotation of cottage life I haven't had the opportunity to really hangout with Hannah or Caitlain that much, but with the kids in school it means I will have the opportunity to see them again! But it also brings a bitter sweet goodbye to my summer friends Annie, Beth and Michelle! The wonderful thing about Beth going back to school is that she is only 20 minutes away from me so I have the opportunity to see her more often even with her being in school. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Annie or Michelle since they both will be heading back home and then to school again in Kansas....I guess that means ROADTRIP! :) Although it is sad to see them all leave, it also brings joy to my heart to know that I have made such wonderful friendships with each of them that will be able to be continued no matter how far apart we are. We may be in different states and on different paths in our lives but God connects us with a wonderful friendship and He introduced us all for a reason. I am grateful to call each one of them my friends. In this day and age it is also so much easier to stay in touch with the internet and phone but I am also excited to send good ole fashion letters! Those are the fun ways to stay in touch especially when they are all in college.

I am also excited to see what this new school year will bring for my kids. I have a few from each cottage leaving before school and of course some have already left. The new school year always brings many new exciting things but also many challenges. Plus the fact that Fall is going to be coming right around the corner and I do love Fall and am excited to see what Nebraska has to offer for Fall! I just pray God continues to guide me on this journey in Henderson and although it is still 5 months away, I am realizing that my 1 year mark is growing closer and closer. With that brings many thoughts to my mind about what is next in my adventure. Does that lie still here in Henderson or elsewhere? It may still be a bit farther off but it also lingers in my mind. I am putting my path in God's hands and although I know it may not be easy I need to fully rely on Him to guide me to where He wants me to be. In the end I know He will show me the path He wants me to be on and if that involves me staying or leaving Nebraska. Whatever path He has for me, I am realizing that I need to enjoy each moment He is giving me here and now. I am enjoying not only watching my kids grow but I am also growing myself and I need to continue to grow into the woman that God wants me to be. Here is to a new week and many new memories, challenges and growing opportunities even if I may not realize it until later on...

Love,
Ashley

My shift is coming to an end tonight and it has been a crazy past few weeks. I have been trying to adjust to the new schedule of working 3 days at Bader Cottage and my other 3 days at Boys Cottage. The days honestly have been blurring together with everything happening all at once.I thought things would be easier but it has been rough when over at Bader with all the girls trying to adjust to the changes and some of them just being completely ridiculous. IT is hard though being there only 3 days now. I feel bad because when I heard how rough it was I was just thinking "Okay I can put all of my energy into these 3 days and take the brunt of the problems and complaining from the girls so I can help Becca." But it doesn't help either of us when they are too much for us those days and we both got drained! I don't know I guess I just hope that as things start to become routine again with new changes that things will become easier. I spent a few days with the girls and worked on of my off days over there and things aren't as crazy as they have been the past week or so but still enough to make you tired and ready to go off duty. I have obtained this new eye twitch within the last week and I am hoping that I can get this stress under control because I am thinking that is the root of the problem. If I could pick up running again then that may help but first I need some new running shoes since my friends have informed me that my current ones are not really running shoes and will hurt...though some days I am quite tempted to just run in them anyway until I can afford new ones! :) The nice thing about this new change in staff and schedules is that I get to spend my off days with Rebekah and Becca. I am getting the opportunity to get to know Rebekah more since we never really got to see each other with our work schedules and working in different cottages. However, now that we have time off together it will be good to get to know Rebekah, and I am so far finding out just how awesome she is, and super funny! It has also been great getting to hangout with Becca off duty. I mean I get to see her 3 days while we work together anyways which is awesome, and it brings a little normalcy to Bader Cottage, but it is great to get to hangout with your friend OUTSIDE of work! There are no worries of hanging out and also having to worry about the kids at the same time. We can simply just be friends and not have to be coworkers at the same time. I am loving it! We biked 15 miles today to Sutton the next town over, spend a little while in downtown which included us purchasing chocolate milk and monkey bread, sitting in front of the library and eating it, then biking the 15 miles back! IT was great...not gonna lie I thought I was going to die on some of those hills but I am glad that she convinced me to go! I am not used to friends who like to go outside and do these crazy spontaneous things but I love that about Becca and that she gets me into those kinds of fun things! I am so grateful for all the friends that I have been making while being down here in Nebraska. I never thought my life would have changed so much as it has in the past 7 months of me packing up and leaving Minnesota. But now that I am here I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I hadn't accepted this job and moved. I wouldn't have grown so much as I have, and I wouldn't have made all these amazing friends like Becca, Caitlain, Hannah and Annie. Although I know summer is coming to an end and some of my friends will be leaving to go back to school, some of their years are coming to an end at Grace and even my year is coming up faster than I expected, but I know that with all of these changes comes great memories that were brought here this summer and will continue to bring great memories in the future no matter how far apart we all may live from each other...or how close. I am excited for each and everyone of my friends and where God will lead each of us on these journeys we are about to partake in. I just hope that we all can get the rest we need, and also enjoy the rest of the summer while it is here! It has been an amazing summer so far and I am excited to see it end well too! Here are some summer memories with some great friends!

 Bike Ride with Becca to Sutton...total miles biked 30!

 Hannah and her amazing carrots from the garden! Love this girl!

 Becca and I after our 5K and 10K run! We survived it! This girl is pretty amazing!

 Annie and I camping at Lake Lovewell in Kansas with our girls! My first trip to Kansas...gonna miss this girl!

Caitlain with her birthday Pinjata! Although we don't have breaks together anymore I enjoy the conversations we have! She is amazing!

As I go into my day 6 tomorrow, I am all over the place with emotions. I spent this last break, which happened to be my first normal break in over a month, and this shift trying to process all that has taken place in my life the past month. This post may very well be a venting post to get some of the many things off of my mind, but then again this is a blog and most people talk about what is on their mind here right? Plus those of you who actually read this I would hope give a crap about my life. :) I have never been very good at expressing my feelings and thoughts to people in conversation but found that a healthy way for me to get some of my feelings and thoughts out were to write and to do art. So this is just one of the many ways I find useful to process all the crappy things going on in my life. 

In the past month I have dealt with more things than I ever thought possible ranging from all sorts of different aspects of my life. From simple things like trying to figure out my medical bills ( which if this is the simplest thing in my life then move over!) to major issues with my mom, boy problems and then add in the everyday parts of my work life with 5 teenage girls. So where do I start. As many of you know, who know me well enough, I have never been great at showing emotions when it comes to how much I hurt. I simply put a smile on my face and say “I’m fine.” Which unfortunately…or perhaps its fortunate I am learning that my friends down here see through that bull crap and call me out on it. Anyway, so all of these emotions have been built up this past month and everything just hit the fan this past break and I spent two hours sobbing. One hour of which was after a very rough phone call with my mom and I ended up biking down the street to my friend Caitlain’s house and just bawled my eyes out on her living room floor. Honestly, it felt great to cry my eyes out and just express everything that has been bottling up inside of me. Although it isn’t easy for me to always express how I feel, it is great to know I have some friends I can go to just to bawl my eyes out or vent and they can do the same.

To start with the simple challenge in my life…I recently saw my new neurologist around my birthday since I am required to see a doctor once a year to make sure that I am doing ok and my medication for my epilepsy doesn’t need changing. All is well; however I was left with like $140 to pay and after my student loans were paid it didn’t leave me a lot this month to pay it. I mean I know I get 80% reimbursed but still it did a huge amount of damage and I am the type to worry about my finances. I guess that is something I am still learning is to put God in control and trust that He will provide. I just struggle so much because I like to be independent and it is super hard for me to accept and ask for help when I need it.

Secondly, I have my work. I mean yes I have my normal ups and downs with the kids. But now our schedules are getting rearranged because some staff are leaving Grace and just to mix things up. Which I mean I am okay with being where I am needed but at the same time it is hard because I have been at the same cottage for almost 7 months with Becca and Hannah and I love them both and love working with them! I mean I thankfully get to still work with Becca and we now have days off together as well, but I don’t get to work with Hannah anymore which is super sad! Instead of working 6 days at Bader I will now be working 3 days at Bader and 3 days at Boys Cottage. It is a good and a bad thing I think, I mean it gives me the opportunity to get away from all the girl drama the teenage girls bring for 3 days, but at the same time it means I will be constantly moving again which I don’t like. I loved being able to have my own room at Bader and have my space and not have to move somewhere every 3 days. I also think if I am being honest with myself I hate change. I have had so much change in my life growing up until now that constant change is just frustrating to me. Which is a very difficult thing for me to learn and change is the fact that sometimes changes are a good thing in all aspects of life.

Speaking of changes, I have taken a step into a better part of my life by cutting out a friendship that was probably unhealthy for me to be in…my friends definitely know this seeing as while talking to this friend when I said I wouldn’t I got hit in the head with a spoon! You know you have good friends when they can hit you in the head with a spoon while eating ice cream when you are being stupid. As funny as it sounds I do appreciate the fact that the spoon incident did happen. However, even though I was friends with this guy I know it was an unhealthy relationship to be in for both of us just because we both have a lot going on in our lives and we need to grow in ourselves and our relationship with God before anyone else can be involved. And although we were just friends there was always a little more than we were willing to accept I think. So I wrote him a letter since he is back home so I couldn’t talk to him face to face and I find writing is an easier way for me to express how I am feeling. I cut that relationship and just said we couldn’t talk anymore as much as it sucks but I think in the long run it will be better for both of us. I just hate hurting friends even though it is for the better. It is hard to know you are doing the right thing but at the same time you are hurting someone in the process. How do you deal with that? Not to mention that any day now he should be receiving this letter and I am not sure if he will respond to it at all or actually just start not talking. It will be hard whether he accepts the decision and agrees or if we will end an amazing friendship with him being mad at me and not understanding it. We shall see I guess.

Finally, I am overloaded by so many constant changes that have happened in my family life with my mom. I am not about to go into detail all this information especially because things are still unfolding. Plus those who are super close in my life already know what all is happening. It is just really hard to not worry and want to help. At the same time, it is hard to live a life and have a relationship with her when I know that I have so much hurt from the past 24 years of my life down deep that I have wounds from still. I mean over all she has been a fabulous mom, and especially after seeing some of the relationships and hurt these kids I work with have…I know I can’t really compare. However, I have many scars that still hurt and she doesn’t have a clue. I have contemplated writing a letter and sharing all of these feelings with her, but I also don’t know if I should give it to her. I don’t want to hurt her, especially because I still do want a relationship with her because I love her, but at the same time I can’t just hold these feelings in and hope for the best. I can either write a letter just to vent and not give it to her which will let me express it but not hurt her, but if I don’t give the letter to her she will never know the hurt I’ve had…gosh life is so stinking confusing. I wish I knew what to do.

These are the times that I know I need to put my trust in God and that He will provide. But sometimes because I am so independent I feel like I can’t ask for help and as horrible as it sounds even from God. It is like a part of me feels that if I have to ask Him for help I am showing a sign of weakness. I know it isn’t the case yet for some reason it is still SO hard for me to ask for help or to cry. It is something I KNOW I need to get better at and I am trying my hardest but it will take a lot. I just pray that God continues to have the patience with me as I try to continue seeking Him and going to Him for help. I also pray that my friends continue to have patience with me as I continue to try and work on expressing how I feel, sharing my frustrations and definitely asking for help. I love each and every one of you and I am glad you are in my life. I know I am not perfect, nor do I try to pretend to be perfect. I just ask that you continue to be patient with me as I am trying to get things in order.

Love,

Ashley

P.S here are a few pictures from my past break when I ran the 5K and my friends Becca and Megan ran the 10K! We survived and super proud of them both!

I completed my 7 day shift this past Monday and I am all over the place with emotions. It would be simple to say that my mind is overloaded with emotions and worries from work seeing as I work in a group home with a bunch of teenagers...but surprisingly they aren't my problem. I have now been at this job 6 months as of yesterday...crazy right! It is hard to believe that it has already been half a year since I packed up my truck and moved from Minnesota down to farming country in Henderson, Nebraska. My life has hence never been the same and I wouldn't change it one bit! I have made many amazing friends down here that I couldn't imagine my life without! They are some pretty amazing people who not only help keep me sane in the job but they are also able to help me process what has been going on with my personal life. I haven't fully been able to process all that has happened when my mom and step dad came down to visit the weekend after my birthday, all that my mom shared with me both before she came down here and after but my friends have been able to at least help my try and understand and also help cheer me up. What better friends could you ask for!? Aside from my friends, I have also picked up a few new hobbies that have helped me immensely with my stress....canvas painting and running. Two completely opposite types of hobbies but both great! I love to draw and write whenever I am stressed and don't know how to express how I am feeling and so I got the idea from my brother to try painting. So I picked up a few canvases at Walmart and away I have been going! It is amazing how much you can take off your mind when you focus everything into painting. Once they are dry I will show you my first project that is going to be up in my bedroom in my on duty house. I have enjoyed in so much that I plan to continue...I will probably be over flowed with canvas that I don't know where to hang it but it is a great pass time and a great way to focus on something other than the million thoughts running around in my brain! The other which is running, is something I started getting into thanks to my friend Becca. She has been training for a 10K coming up this July and she has also been running a little bit with one of our girls...but whenever Becca goes off duty our girl asked if we could start running and so we started this past shift together. I have so far run at least 6 days straight with and without the girl. I have run a mile with one of my girls non stop which is impressive for her and I am so proud of her...and when I am off duty or I go running without her I try and run between a mile and a mile and a half non stop each night! I hope to kick it up a notch but this is a great starting point especially since it has been super hot out...mid nineties lately. Although I don't mind running with our girl....I definitely enjoy running on my own. Running on my own I don't need to worry about running slow for her to keep up, I can blast my Ipod and I can be on my own with my own thoughts to try and process things. It is super peaceful to be able to run around the pond and town at 8pm each night without being interrupted by anything. I have enjoyed it and although I don't think I will be able to be prepped in time to do the 10K like Becca thinks I can...I can honestly say I am definitely enjoying this new stress reliever! It is not only good for my body but especially my mind!

After my last night on duty on Monday I was definitely in need of a run for sure! I had taken one of my girls to court that day and she found out she wouldn't be able to go home for a visit...which didn't surprise me. But they were working on visits at the cottage. Good news! However, as we prepared for bed the end of our great night ended. Becca, Hannah and I sat down to do layover since I was going off duty and by 10:35pm we were just getting started and all of a sudden I heard a noise from the girls room like she was throwing something. Well I go inside her room to find her sitting ON TOP of her dresser claiming she was meditating and couldn't sleep...well after 10-15 min of trying to process with her about all that had happened that day with her I got her off her dresser and into bed to try and sleep. So we finally finished layover and headed downstairs at 11:00pm so I could pack, Becca could get ready for bed and Hannah went for a walk. Well our youngest girl's light was still on and Hannah had already turned it off so we just marked her for the night for not going to bed on time like we told her...to jump ahead a little bit. Becca and I were downstairs when we hear this banging around like dresser drawers in the room with the youngest girl. So I go upstairs to check on them...I figured since I was going off duty if she got angry she could be upset with my and hopefully get over it while I was gone for 3 days. I open her door to find my sight blocked by her closet door and she tells me she has no pants on. So I told her it was way past her bedtime so she needed to have her lights off. To which she proceeds to tell me that she still had no pants on, she still needed to set her alarm and so that is what she was going to do. I simply told her that is fine I would just stand there until she put pants on, set her alarm and then I would turn out her lights. She proceeded to then yell at me to get out and threw her stuffed animal at me, which hit the door right next to my head. I said that is fine but I am stilling turning the lights off since it was bedtime. I walked out of the bedroom and hit the lights. As I made my way downstairs I heard something hard being throwing against the bedroom door...but I was not about to go back in and see what was being thrown. I made my way down the stairs and was telling Becca all that had happened when the girl opened her door and we stopped talking. She proceeded to tell me "Well just so you know Ashley....if you come in here one more time and do that again I swear to Go* I will come down there and chop off all of your hair while you are sleeping!" Well Becca tried to calm her down and she finally went into her room. What a nice way to end my shift right!? I suppose if I am only getting my first threat in 6 months I am doing okay haha. Well we notified the program manager just so she had a heads up in case the girl came out of her room again. She didn't thankfully. But then just as I was closing my room door I heard a noise coming from the other girls' room from earlier. I go upstairs to find her passed out on the hallway floor...she claimed she didn't know how she had gotten there and so I got her back into bed closed her blinds (which were opened since I last tucked her in) and she finally fell asleep....WHOA! That was one heck of a day 7 I have to say! I just sat on Becca's bed and we talked and tried to process what the heck just happened to our girls in the last hour of the day! We filled Hannah in and I finally made it back to my off duty house at 11:45pm...needless to say I was ready for a few days off to relax and sleep! I must say that as much as this job sometimes scares me I am surprised that I am not ready to flee after a threat! I must be adjusting to this job or something. I think it is good to know that God had got me and will protect me through all the threats whether the kids follow through with them or not and I have many friends here to protect me. I am learning so much about these kids that I mostly just sit there after I can relax and go "wow" how much are these kids hurting and wait for them to let me in so I can try and understand the hurt behind these threats and foul language! I am hoping with time I will be able to help this girl and have her open up and share with me the hurts so I can help her and get her to a better place. But until then I can only do my best and pray for her as I do for all the other girls.

As you can see there are definitely reasons why I picked up painting and running...I needed a healthy way to express my frustrations and stresses in both work and personal life. I pray that God will continue to provide safety, guidance and all the other things I am in need of help with as I continue to work in the place He has placed me to be. I do not regret for one minute being here where He wants me to be. I know He has got me and will never let go. I continue to thank you all as well for your support in me being here and following along with me on this journey. I love and miss you all!

Love,
Ashley