It is now October 26, it marks day one of my break. I have now been here for 10 months working here at Grace Children's Home. These past 10 months have brought many changes to my life. I have made many wonderful friends and really grown as a person in becoming who God wants me to be. The growth comes from both the fun times and the challenging parts of my job. I find that in the past month and a half since I have been working at Boys Cottage I see myself growing each day. It is a wonderful feeling to see that I am not only helping the boys grow but I am as well. This past shift especially that I was in has been hard. I am finding myself to be more agitated and more irritated than normal. Not to mention I am always tired but I can't sleep until bedtime because there is always something that needs to be done around the house. I just have had a few days these past few weeks but especially this week where I just want to cry and let whatever crazy emotions go...even though I don't know why they are there. I have just had a crazy long shift, on day 2 I felt like I was on day 9...and apparently I looked like it according to my co-worker haha. I just had many moments where the boys would be emotionally struggling and I was trying to deal with that...not to mention I had a few moments where I felt like I was just working by myself. It's those moments when you freak out and you just don't know what to do. Not to mention, stupid me had to sit on my stubborn high horse and not accept the help of my friends for a few weeks...I hit my head about three weeks ago when I fell out of bed and hit my night stand. I didn't think it was a big deal that I still had a headache two weeks later, and finally my friends may have told my boss who made me go to the doctor. Suffered a slight minor concussion which is no biggie...I thought I was fine and could play basketball again since the doctor never said a specific date (or I am just stubborn I guess) and although I didn't push myself to the full extent that I could have when playing with the guys I realized the next day when I woke up how I was not ready for that. It could have been the little tap in the head by the basketball to the back of the head that made it hurt a bit more but it was like a wake up call that made me FINALLY realize that I need to take care of myself. (insert and "I told you so" from my friends probably).It just made me honestly wish I had listened to my friends in the first place. I guess I am just so use to being independent and not needing anyone to take care of me that when someone actually came to try and help me,  I chose not to accept the help. I am truly grateful for these friends of mine. It is just taking me a little longer to realize that there are actually people out there who care for me and aren't going to leave me, or turn on me, or in some way shape or form hurt me. I've been hurt too many times in the past emotionally that I guess I have just built this wall up and have gotten use to it. I guess that is something that is truly great about this job is that although it is an extremely difficult lesson to learn I am starting to learn to be humble and open to people helping me...well starting to. It is a long process I think but I think it will only get better once I accept the help people have to offer. These past 10 months have really taught me a lot about not only the lives these kids live, but really about myself and the importance of friendship. These past few weeks I have gotten to create a lot of memories with my friends including raking and jumping in leaves with my boys, a 5K Color Run with Becca which involved running in the cold and having paint thrown at us while we did it...nothing like a fun messy run to start your day off! It was just great to do those things that are fun and even if you do it once you create memories to last. Not to mention I got to sit and watch Becca and Hannah take on the boys in a basketball game (which I couldn't play unfortunately) wearing ridiculous outfits that make your day that much brighter...I think it is those little things that brighten your day even when you get down. Knowing that you have those friends that can help you get through anything even if you can't see it yourself. Which I am glad to know I have that because whatever struggles I am dealing with right now I know that I have friends for, as long as I open up. It is not to say things are perfect in my life because to be honest my life is pretty messed up as we speak and I don't know where my future leads even in the next few months but at least I have some great people who love and support me. Plus as much as this job is stressful, I also love these kids and the things I am learning each day working with them. Each challenge brings a new lesson to learn.

Love,
Ashley

It is now the end of September...crazy how time flies. I find myself at a battle of my own thoughts. Which I hate when that happens. It has now been 10 days since I last spoke to the person I wrote my letter to asking for space, and so far she has been gracious enough to understand and give me the space I asked for...which includes no contact until I am ready. I find myself being happy again, which I know should be a great thing...but at what cost since I am no longer talking to this person? Is it because I am not speaking to her that I am happy? Don't get me wrong I love that I am happier than I have been in a long time and I know I need to do what is best for me and my life...but at the same time I feel so guilty. I feel like I shouldn't have guilt for being happy and taking care of myself...but she is my family. There are many days I just sit and ponder how she is holding up, and although I don't regret the decision I finally made, I do want to cry for what I lost as well. It is okay to cry for the loss in your life I know but I struggle to cry. When I want to cry I can't and at the bad moments of when I don't want to cry...especially in front of people is usually the time that I start to cry and hold it in. I've always grown up just thinking that crying was a sign of weakness and shows vulnerability and I hate it...it is something I am trying to work on but it doesn't make it any easier. I can feel my emotions just bottling up inside of me so much that I shake...I honestly think it isn't so much the fact that I am now happy but the fact that I have had so many emotions running through my body and held in over the past 24 years that it all is now coming to a peak since I have taken control of the situation that caused most of the problem. 24 years of built up frustration, anger, sadness and now peace comes boiling to the top and my body is feeling it. If I could just find a simple solution to I don't know...say cry...then my problems would probably be solved! Why did I have to be a person who tries to act all tough and not show vulnerability? I guess on the upside it helps in my job situation. Working with 5 teenage boys in a cottage you definitely need to show that you mean business and not show any signs of weakness or they would use it against you. I am finding that working with the boys is easier for me than with the girls. I have learned how to not only run a house and take care of the boys, but also be firm and authoritative in the past month I have begun working with the boys. I don't deny that I still have a lot I need to learn and grow in, especially when it comes to working with boys, but I think it is an amazing learning experience. It helps me learn how to take leadership and since I don't have as much of an emotional relationship like I did with the girls I worked with I am able to not only focus on the job at hand, but at the same time when I am off duty and even on duty I can start to think about my own personal life...which is both good and bad. Because I know, as well as many others probably do, that when your mind is free to think about yourself, especially while laying in bed, your mind wanders and begins to worry. I spent this break so far being super productive with baking, hanging out with my friends and just being happy...but I spent tonight painting which was wonderful since I was feeling inspired, but I also just felt like reverting back into my introverted self again...which never fails to get attention I guess. I wish I were better at not being so introverted, or at least better at saying I am fine and not showing when something is bothering me...especially because I hate being a burden to my friends, especially because I know they all have so much on their minds lately as well. Why add to their plate as well? I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying and devotions the past few weeks and I just pray that God will continue to guide me on this journey that is beginning to take an emotional turn for me. I know He has the strength to lead and guide me, and I know He will not only in my personal life but my job as well and help me with these kids that I am working with. Lord just give me the patience and guidance to do things according to your will, and thank you for giving me such wonderful friends who are constantly supportive of me...even when I can't express how much they mean to me and how much I need them. As I go about this next shift I go in looking to be a bit more hopeful and go in with my eyes open to opportunity.

Love,
Ashley

Tomorrow marks 9 months of me working here at Grace Children's Home...it is hard to believe that I have been working and living in Nebraska for that long already! Not to mention that I haven't been back home or seen my family in that same amount of time! Time has gone so quickly that each day, each shift passes and blurs together. I think it blurs together especially when you have a rough shift. This past shift had been one of those shifts that started out bad...then progressively got worse with each passing day. By the time day 6 came alone I was physically and emotionally spent both from work but also from my personal life. With all that has gone on and the way I have been feeling I have basically been hibernating in my room the past two days of my break at least...or spending some personal time by myself at Starbucks with my devotional book.

My past shift consisted on one of our boys getting suspended from school for probably the 3rd or 4th time now since the beginning of school...which was the end of August! Only this time he was not allowed on school premise at any time during suspension, which means that when we went to pick up the other boys from school only one of us could go and the other had to stay back with him at the cottage.  After the first few days of this with constant work projects and trying to get him to do his school work because after all being suspended doesn't mean you get to have fun, we ended up having yet another meeting with Brian who is the Program Director and this kid was placed once again on intake. Which for those of you who don't know what intake is, or perhaps forgot from way back when, it is usually the first two weeks when a kid is first placed at Grace where they are required to stay within arms reach of a staff at all time, and must ask for permission before they go anywhere like their room or to the bathroom. So for this kid to be placed back on intake after so many months is something. Needless to say this kid wasn't very happy about it...but then again neither were we since we had to be with him all the time and to have to see that we couldn't trust him again is sad. It is always sad when you see a kid progressively get worse, although they become annoying and frustrate you, you in the end want what is best for them and to see them not trying and just constantly want to argue makes you sad and at the same time frustrated. He just has gotten so defiant more than normal and this past week has really shown it more so. I have worked so hard with this kid the past six days especially with trying to get him to work on his make up work or ANY school work and all he chose to do was continue to argue, and just sit on the floor. It was a super stressful week. Through dealing with that was one thing, not to mention of a few of the other boys had their moments as well this week, it was enough to make anyone emotionally and physically tired...but to make it worse my personal life has still been pretty rough...the person I mailed the letter out to a few days ago that I mentioned had received it on Thursday.

I know I have told a few of you personally about this letter I had been writing and to who it was sent to. This was probably one of the hardest letters to write. It was also probably one of the hardest letters to mail...and then sit and wait while I knew this person would respond once they received it...to which I received a simple text that said "Call me sometime, otherwise I will just let you be." To put it simple I knew she had received the letter...but to be honest I was expecting much more of a stronger response than that text. So realistically I am expecting this to be the calm before the storm. That in itself is making me have a hard time. I knew holding my boundaries would be difficult once I sent the letter in not calling, responding to calls or texts but as much as I know I need to hold to these boundaries I also know that this person is very capable of taking this super hard and I just don't want them doing something stupid. I know I am not the only one who received this text and it makes me wonder two things. 1.) is this person just trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad by sending this text message? and 2.) Will she do something stupid because I am taking time to separate myself from them and get my life in order and sent the letter? I know it is not my fault how they choose to respond and react to this letter and I need to worry about myself...but at the same time I do worry because I love this person so much and like I said, I don't want to cut this person out of my life completely and I don't want them making stupid choices and make a stupid action. I guess my fear is that one day I am going to wake up one morning to find that this person isn't there anymore...I don't want to carry that burden of thinking that because I sent this letter they chose to act in that way, but at the same time I know I am not responsible for the choices they make, whether deciding to act like a child or try and manipulate me into feeling sorry for them.

I am very grateful for the friends that I have who have been helping me through some of it. I knew going into this challenge that it was going to be a rough and rocky road, but I know this is only the beginning. My heart is heavy at the moment and I am doing my best to pull out of it but it isn't working so well at the moment. The fact that I am not only emotionally drained from work but this as well is exhausting. Hence why I have spent the past two of my three days of break sleeping, spending some time by myself all day in my room or Starbucks. I have been reading a few devotional books during that time as well though. I am realizing more than ever that I need Jesus right now. This is a battle that I cannot fight alone and I need His strength as well to get through it. He is the only one who can sustain me and give me strength. I am struggling to find the strength but I know He is the one who will supply it. This battle however, is not only affecting me emotionally but I know because I am stressed and overwhelmed that I can feel my body acting out as well. I simply sit there are quietly listen to the words I am reading or the music I am reflecting on and I can feel my body twitching. It has been a constant two days of my body just shaking and I am unsure of what to think or how to act. Aside from sleeping I don't think there is much I can do to take care of my body. There is a part of me that wonders if perhaps I have seized in my sleep, but there is no good way to be sure of that. I also realize however, that I need to try and figure out a way to take care of myself. This is probably a good night to go for a run since that is how I have taken out my stress and worries in the past. The only problem is that I am so exhausted I am not that motivated to go.

If this is only the beginning of this battle what is it going to look like in a few weeks? Months? I really do pray that it doesn't become permanent but I know I need to think of what is best for me, but I am going to have to take it a day at a time. I know I have these amazing friends who just want to hangout together, but honestly the way I am feeling, and perhaps it is the introvert in me, but I cannot handle 3 extrovert friends right now. I went out to dinner with them and a bunch of other people and it was definitely fun, but I just didn't have the energy to hold a huge conversation. I do love to be around people sometimes but I am definitely feeling the introverted part of me, where I just need my space and time to myself in order to get re-energized. Sometimes all I need is time to myself to process my thoughts, and re-cooperate...something I know some of my friends may not understand, then there are the friends who are introverted as well and completely understand it. I just wish I knew how to communicate better verbally to share how I am feeling, I have always been better at communicating through my words or my art (again the introvert in me) so when someone asks me how I am feeling or what is wrong...it is always easier for me to simply just say "I'm fine." or put a smile on my face, when at this point in time all I feel like doing is crying. I know it will get better in time, especially as things get better with work, and I begin to learn how to handle this situation better, and thankfully I have a good friend who is holding me accountable to not contacting or caving into the manipulation of this person who I am choosing to not have contact with at this time. I am so thankful that God has placed her and my other amazing friends in my life.

Although I know this battle is far from over and it will probably get worse, I am also excited to continue to read more of what the Lord has to teach me and help prepare my heart for this difficult road. I know this isn't the most cheerful post especially for my 9 month anniversary of working at Grace...but I honestly don't feel very cheery at the moment so I find it very fitting.

-"If you seek God alone, you will gain happiness: that is its promise." (Life Together by: Dietrich Bonhoeffer, p.84)

Something that I am continuing to seek and remember especially through these days of challenges. I just thank you all for continuing to support me through this journey down here at Grace and although a lot of you don't understand it all, through this personal challenge as well. I love you all!

Love,
Ashley

I have been spending my final day on break trying to keep busy. I actually have had overall an amazing break for once! No worries really...it actually felt like a break! Today I slept in which felt amazing, then just lounged around the house until 1:00 p.m. just reading, writing cards to friends and simply just spending time to myself. Then Becca and I drove up to York to go thrifting. We had gone shopping in Grand Island yesterday and my hopes of finding new clothes preparing for fall didn't happen. However, today I had more luck! We stopped first at Blue Valley where I was determined to find this shirt I found as a humorous joke but we were in there five minutes when this lady walks up to us and goes "Hi ladies, can I help you with something?" To which of course we naturally respond "No we are just looking." She then informs us that the store is actually closed until Monday so they can prepare for the seasonal change! Okay if you are closed the least you can do is lock the door or at least put a closed sign out front! Otherwise naturally people are going to assume the store is open right!? The one time we actually found some good things and they are closed so we couldn't even purchase them...how unfortunate! Thankfully our next stop at Trading Post found some better luck. I found 2 pairs of jeans and 4 shirts which I was super excited about! A really nice price for a good amount of quality clothes makes me super excited! Next and final stop on our list we ACE Hardware to pick out paint samples because we are in the process...or I should say I am in the process of preparing to paint our living room. Becca isn't a fan of painting which is fine, as long as I get my housemates opinions on the paint color I have no problem painting the living room. I find it rather enjoyable and it helps me relieve some stress so it is a nice hobby to do while the kids are in school. Well while we are shopping I receive a text from someone that makes me quite annoyed...naturally I am leaving this person's name blank in the blog but I have been not speaking to this person for almost a 3 weeks now and they asked me if I was mad at them. Well there are countless reasons to why I am not speaking to this person at the moment and am in process of writing to them, but I simply just replied "I am writing you a letter that will be coming soon." Well if I would have known that it would in turn cause the person to call me and text me at least 6 different times in the span of a half hour I wouldn't have sent it! It caused this person to start flipping out, manipulating me with responses and trying to get me to call them. So much for a nice break of no stress and worries.

When did things get so complicated? I mean like I previously wrote I knew this road I am about to partake wasn't going to be easy but I haven't even set foot on the path and it already has begun! These are the times that I need to truly rely on God and my friends for support. I found myself consumed once again by the stress, anger, sadness and frustrations that had consumed me for so long a few weeks ago. I am not ready to go back to that. This is why I need to make changes in my life and prepare for the battle. I just wish things didn't have to be so hard. I went for a bike ride tonight just to process again and it felt wonderful to simply just ride around town on my bike around the pond with the smell of fall on its way. I wish things could be that simple, where I can just ride my bike around the pond and have no worries, but in reality I know that isn't realistic. I know that as I enter my final two hours before I go back on duty tonight at Boys, I need to prepare myself to focus on the kids. After all this is the conclusion I came to 3 weeks ago, was that I need to be able to put all of my time and energy into these kids and helping them while I am on duty, after all they are the reason I am here. God placed me here to help these kids to the best of my capability and help them grow as well as myself. If I can't put my personal issues aside even a little bit then what am I doing here? This is the reason I stopped talking to the person in the first place temporarily. Then all of a sudden one little hiccup and it affects me all over again! This has to get easier right? If not I am going to be doing a whole lot more running and biking for sure! I just simply ask for continuous prayer during this time because I know that the first few weeks and maybe even months are going to be a huge challenge for me and this person as well. I never intend to hurt anyone and my fear is that this letter is going to hurt a person I truly love and care for, and it hurts me to know I have to write it but I also know I need to think about myself as well and what is best for me. I need to think about what is best for me and how I can be able to focus on my job, and the kids. My heart aches right now and I just pray that I can continue to find strength and guidance on this new road that is bound to have many challenges...

Ashley

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote and a few shifts later. I have been adjusting to life at Boys Cottage full time. It has definitely been a different environment compared to working at Bader with a bunch of teenage girls. For one thing it has been weird being the only female in the cottage with a household of five boys. Being considered the household "mom" is a definite weird feeling like one thing is that the guys I work with are not allowed to hang any decorations or buy decorative things without the "cottage mom's" permission. Now that is a weird feeling to me! I still even after 8 1/2 months here have not grown use to the fact of being called a cottage mom even though in essence it is what my job entails. It has definitely been an interesting experience all around. For starters I have finally gotten in the process of decorating my room at Boys Cottage. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to start decorating my room with hanging up pictures and cards from friends in order to make it more personal and more of "my room". It has been a few crazy and fun weeks trying to adjust and get things situated. One of the many fun things however in being apart of the boys cottage crew was that we decided to take a cottage photo in order to decorate our cottage more. This involved a giant mud pit and a mud fight! Yes you heard correctly...I suppose only in a small country town and a cottage full of boys would the family portrait consist of mud! I would post pictures of our portraits but it isn't allowed seeing as we need to keep the kids' privacy. However I will post some after pictures of myself, my friend Becca and my fellow friends/cottage partners Andrew and Nolan. There was fun to be had around and it was a great way to take some of the stress I have been holding out.

There has been so many changes in the past few weeks in my own life that I have put so much on hold. It is now time for me to get back on track with my own life and not let the emotional turmoil of my mom and family take its toll on me. I have come to some hard but good decisions the past week or so and now that I have accepted the changes and am sticking to them I am hoping my life will begin to take a turn for the better. I need to get my life back on track and trust that God will continue to guide me. It is funny, that although there have been a few hard decisions I feel better about the choices I am making for my life. I have had countless conversations with my Nana and many of my friends and each and every person has given me support, love and many words of encouragement that has helped me in the decisions I have been making, and I want to thank each and every one of you guys! Your input and advice has been very helpful to me and continues to help me as I know I am about to begin a very difficult journey ahead. But although the journey will not be easy I know that I am doing what is best for me and that God will continue to be my rock through these tough times.

I got to spend this past break with my friends Rebekah and Becca and I can honestly say that it has been the first break in quite a long time where the constant loom of sadness, worry and anger hasn't taken over me. I have actually been able to enjoy my time off more than I have before. Aside from a hard moment tonight as I finished up a letter, it has been relatively fun. I took care of that stress by going to the gym tonight and running a good 2 miles on the treadmill which helped me as well. I am so thankful to have such amazing friends that even in the tough times I can enjoy every moment with them and laugh and be happy. I am excited to see what is going to come within the next few weeks as well and many more fun opportunities. The road I am about to step onto will not be easy by far but I am trusting in God and know that I am not alone on this journey. Thank you all for continuing on this journey with me as well and being such an amazing support system. I love you all!

Love,
Ashley

                                                Andrew, Becca, myself and Nolan post mudfight!

                                                       Becca and I

                                         The new Boys Cottage Staff: Nolan, Andrew and myself

                              Becca and I after the mudfight. Great friends join in mud fights with you!

                                              Slightly muddy? The only way to spend a break!

                            A little mud never hurt anyone right? Welcome to Boys Cottage I guess!

                                     Our latest break...a trip to Sonic! First time and it was great! Some wonderful memories to be added to the book!

It has been 8 months since I have moved to Nebraska and so many things have changed in my life. At this point as I enter into the beginning of fall and school starting for the kids many changes come around with a new school year both at Grace and in my personal life. Coming at the end of the month/beginning of September with new staff arriving, others having left I have been asked to move as a primary staff over to Boys Cottage to which I accepted. When Jess first left Grace for her new job I instantly had a gut feeling that I would be the next female staff they would ask to step up in Boys Cottage. At that time I was so conflicted on what I wanted to do and they hadn't even asked me yet! I was so torn on whether or not I would be able to handle being at Boys Cottage full time as opposed to being at Bader full time. I mean there is a distinct different in working with boys vs. girls! But then I started working split shift for the past few weeks where I spent 3 days working at Bader with the girls and then 3 days at Boys. Which that was the type of schedule I had when I first started working at Grace and although it is nice to have a break from one cottage and work at another throughout your shift it gets very tiring and annoying to keep moving homes every 3 days. It would be 3 days at Bader, 3 days at Boys then 3 days off so moving every 3 days is a pain! So having an official answer is nice. I was ready to have a permanent place again. Here is the hard part of the move however, although I think now that I have had time to process and think on it and I know this move is right for me it will be hard. Being at Bader for the past 8 months I have formed a really good system of working with Becca and established great relationships with the girls. Although I won't be working with Becca anymore, if things continue to stay the same with breaks I will at least be able to have 3 days off with her, and I think ever since breaks and changes our friendship has grown a lot and I can't wait to see how the friendship continues to change and grow with the changes. Also though I have established relationships with each of the girls that are currently in the cottage. That is one of the distinct differences between working with girls and boys is that you can build more of a relationship with girls. With me I am such a relational person that being able to connect with the kids, sit down and chat and really listen to them is something I find important to working in ministry and knowing that I won't be getting that as much with the boys, especially having to create that extra boundary with the guys since I am a girl is really hard for me. I think I will struggle the most at Boys Cottage just simply because I like forming relationships with people and being able to understand their feelings and relate to them. At the same time I know it will be good  for me to have a fresh start at Boys and not be so relational at the same time. One of the biggest things I knew going into working down here in Nebraska was that I needed to grow in my authoritativeness. Well, at Bader I established more relational connections with the girls than authoritative because I connect so well with them but with the Boys I have already established more of a authoritative relationship than personal/relational which is great. I think it is easier to establish more of a authoritative role with the guys because you automatically set those boundaries and it just becomes easier to set up those extra boundaries. So now that I have had time to think about whether or not it would be better for me to be full time at Bader vs. Boys I was able to give my boss a pretty confident answer in knowing that I can not only be more helpful to the boys but also be able to grow myself even more than I have in the past 8 months if I were to move over to Boys Cottage as a primary staff...So come the end of this week I will be officially a Boys Cottage Primary Staff, but this also brings the dilemma of having to break the news to the girls that I will no longer be at the cottage...which will not be an easy task! I just pray that things go okay and they see that I am not abandoning them and that they will still see me around. It is always hard to leave especially having been there so long and having established relationships. Only time will tell how it will go and how they will respond...

Aside from my work changes, on a personal note, my own life has been a crazy roller coaster ride of emotions. Most of it has to do as usual with my relationship with my mom. I received a phone call from my mom last Wednesday while I was on duty finding out some interesting news about my step dad, which I am not going into full detail here, if you want to know ask me personally, but it involved him getting arrested. Then Thursday court happened to which made things super crazy for my mom and then I receive a phone call on Friday finding out that my mom has some interesting stuff to share with me about herself over the past year and a half and that what happened Wednesday isn't the full truth and that once court happens in October she is going to share more of what happened with her to the Prosecuting Attorney. If this all doesn't make much sense, to put it simple without going into detail it results in both my mom and step dad possibly being charged, my mom going to treatment and another messy situation. I basically am on an emotional ride of trying to process all of the information my mom had just given to me while on duty. My brain right now is questioning how much I really know my mom at this point. The past year and a half has basically been a lie for the most part and it makes me wonder if anything ever really changed from when I was growing up. I just am struggling with the decisions that I have to make in my own life. I mean at some point, a kid can only take so much right? And they need to do what is best for them? I have been thinking the past few days over how it not only is affecting me personally but I can feel it affecting me while at work, because I am so lost in thought with my personal life I am not putting my full attention on the work at hand, which is not a good thing. And so I need to think over all what is best for me, the job that I have been placed at, and overall what is best. It is a lot to try and grasp an understanding of and very tiring. I just pray that God continues to guide me where He wants me both in work and my personal life. I spent the past break going home with Becca to her house and it was both a great and a hard experience for me. It was wonderful to get out of Henderson for the first time since I moved here without kids. Not to mention it was great to be able to spend some time with Becca and get to see where she grew up and meet more of her family. It was wonderful and we had a lot of fun. However, at the same time as we were hanging out with her sister making dinner for the whole family, I just had a realization of "this is how a normal family should be" and it made me realize just how not normal my family was growing up and continues to be.I mean I know every family has their problems but I have had so many times where there was conflict, we moved countless number of times and everything that sometimes I wonder how I ended up not in a group home like I work in! And so it was hard towards the end to see a wonderful home where they could say I grew up here my entire life, see the family having fun and be able to get together without arguing constantly was overwhelming. I don't regret going for one minute, but it just gave me a lot more to process  in how I am going to handle the up coming decisions I have to make in my own life and regarding how I am going to approach the issues at hand. I just ask for prayer during this time as I try to figure out what I am going to do, how my mom will handle it and how it will affect my family. Because regardless of the decision I make and changes I choose, it will affect our relationship either way. I thank all of my wonderful friends who have been supportive to me and have been able to try and help me process through this. I am very fortunate to have such amazing friends I can rely on and I couldn't ask for better friends. I know that if I take a few more days to pray and think about it, God will guide me to where He thinks I should be in my decision and although life isn't always easy and it is made to be hard, I know this is going to be a huge challenge for me to take and continue with.

Love,
Ashley

It is crazy to believe that as I go back on duty tonight it marks the final day of SAP tomorrow (Summer Activities Program)! Along with that brings the end of summer activities, great friends heading back to school and preparing for school to begin for our kids. Where did the summer go!? In many ways it seems like summer dragged on, and on many other parts it made summer go by extremely fast! By the time I go back on my break next Thursday it will be the kids first day of school! Holy cow! My mind is just reeling with the fact that school starts on the 15th! I am excited that with school brings more freedom to see my friends that work in other cottages that I don't really get to see that much especially during summer. With our staff changes and rotation of cottage life I haven't had the opportunity to really hangout with Hannah or Caitlain that much, but with the kids in school it means I will have the opportunity to see them again! But it also brings a bitter sweet goodbye to my summer friends Annie, Beth and Michelle! The wonderful thing about Beth going back to school is that she is only 20 minutes away from me so I have the opportunity to see her more often even with her being in school. Unfortunately, I can't say the same for Annie or Michelle since they both will be heading back home and then to school again in Kansas....I guess that means ROADTRIP! :) Although it is sad to see them all leave, it also brings joy to my heart to know that I have made such wonderful friendships with each of them that will be able to be continued no matter how far apart we are. We may be in different states and on different paths in our lives but God connects us with a wonderful friendship and He introduced us all for a reason. I am grateful to call each one of them my friends. In this day and age it is also so much easier to stay in touch with the internet and phone but I am also excited to send good ole fashion letters! Those are the fun ways to stay in touch especially when they are all in college.

I am also excited to see what this new school year will bring for my kids. I have a few from each cottage leaving before school and of course some have already left. The new school year always brings many new exciting things but also many challenges. Plus the fact that Fall is going to be coming right around the corner and I do love Fall and am excited to see what Nebraska has to offer for Fall! I just pray God continues to guide me on this journey in Henderson and although it is still 5 months away, I am realizing that my 1 year mark is growing closer and closer. With that brings many thoughts to my mind about what is next in my adventure. Does that lie still here in Henderson or elsewhere? It may still be a bit farther off but it also lingers in my mind. I am putting my path in God's hands and although I know it may not be easy I need to fully rely on Him to guide me to where He wants me to be. In the end I know He will show me the path He wants me to be on and if that involves me staying or leaving Nebraska. Whatever path He has for me, I am realizing that I need to enjoy each moment He is giving me here and now. I am enjoying not only watching my kids grow but I am also growing myself and I need to continue to grow into the woman that God wants me to be. Here is to a new week and many new memories, challenges and growing opportunities even if I may not realize it until later on...

Love,
Ashley