I completed my 7 day shift this past Monday and I am all over the place with emotions. It would be simple to say that my mind is overloaded with emotions and worries from work seeing as I work in a group home with a bunch of teenagers...but surprisingly they aren't my problem. I have now been at this job 6 months as of yesterday...crazy right! It is hard to believe that it has already been half a year since I packed up my truck and moved from Minnesota down to farming country in Henderson, Nebraska. My life has hence never been the same and I wouldn't change it one bit! I have made many amazing friends down here that I couldn't imagine my life without! They are some pretty amazing people who not only help keep me sane in the job but they are also able to help me process what has been going on with my personal life. I haven't fully been able to process all that has happened when my mom and step dad came down to visit the weekend after my birthday, all that my mom shared with me both before she came down here and after but my friends have been able to at least help my try and understand and also help cheer me up. What better friends could you ask for!? Aside from my friends, I have also picked up a few new hobbies that have helped me immensely with my stress....canvas painting and running. Two completely opposite types of hobbies but both great! I love to draw and write whenever I am stressed and don't know how to express how I am feeling and so I got the idea from my brother to try painting. So I picked up a few canvases at Walmart and away I have been going! It is amazing how much you can take off your mind when you focus everything into painting. Once they are dry I will show you my first project that is going to be up in my bedroom in my on duty house. I have enjoyed in so much that I plan to continue...I will probably be over flowed with canvas that I don't know where to hang it but it is a great pass time and a great way to focus on something other than the million thoughts running around in my brain! The other which is running, is something I started getting into thanks to my friend Becca. She has been training for a 10K coming up this July and she has also been running a little bit with one of our girls...but whenever Becca goes off duty our girl asked if we could start running and so we started this past shift together. I have so far run at least 6 days straight with and without the girl. I have run a mile with one of my girls non stop which is impressive for her and I am so proud of her...and when I am off duty or I go running without her I try and run between a mile and a mile and a half non stop each night! I hope to kick it up a notch but this is a great starting point especially since it has been super hot out...mid nineties lately. Although I don't mind running with our girl....I definitely enjoy running on my own. Running on my own I don't need to worry about running slow for her to keep up, I can blast my Ipod and I can be on my own with my own thoughts to try and process things. It is super peaceful to be able to run around the pond and town at 8pm each night without being interrupted by anything. I have enjoyed it and although I don't think I will be able to be prepped in time to do the 10K like Becca thinks I can...I can honestly say I am definitely enjoying this new stress reliever! It is not only good for my body but especially my mind!

After my last night on duty on Monday I was definitely in need of a run for sure! I had taken one of my girls to court that day and she found out she wouldn't be able to go home for a visit...which didn't surprise me. But they were working on visits at the cottage. Good news! However, as we prepared for bed the end of our great night ended. Becca, Hannah and I sat down to do layover since I was going off duty and by 10:35pm we were just getting started and all of a sudden I heard a noise from the girls room like she was throwing something. Well I go inside her room to find her sitting ON TOP of her dresser claiming she was meditating and couldn't sleep...well after 10-15 min of trying to process with her about all that had happened that day with her I got her off her dresser and into bed to try and sleep. So we finally finished layover and headed downstairs at 11:00pm so I could pack, Becca could get ready for bed and Hannah went for a walk. Well our youngest girl's light was still on and Hannah had already turned it off so we just marked her for the night for not going to bed on time like we told her...to jump ahead a little bit. Becca and I were downstairs when we hear this banging around like dresser drawers in the room with the youngest girl. So I go upstairs to check on them...I figured since I was going off duty if she got angry she could be upset with my and hopefully get over it while I was gone for 3 days. I open her door to find my sight blocked by her closet door and she tells me she has no pants on. So I told her it was way past her bedtime so she needed to have her lights off. To which she proceeds to tell me that she still had no pants on, she still needed to set her alarm and so that is what she was going to do. I simply told her that is fine I would just stand there until she put pants on, set her alarm and then I would turn out her lights. She proceeded to then yell at me to get out and threw her stuffed animal at me, which hit the door right next to my head. I said that is fine but I am stilling turning the lights off since it was bedtime. I walked out of the bedroom and hit the lights. As I made my way downstairs I heard something hard being throwing against the bedroom door...but I was not about to go back in and see what was being thrown. I made my way down the stairs and was telling Becca all that had happened when the girl opened her door and we stopped talking. She proceeded to tell me "Well just so you know Ashley....if you come in here one more time and do that again I swear to Go* I will come down there and chop off all of your hair while you are sleeping!" Well Becca tried to calm her down and she finally went into her room. What a nice way to end my shift right!? I suppose if I am only getting my first threat in 6 months I am doing okay haha. Well we notified the program manager just so she had a heads up in case the girl came out of her room again. She didn't thankfully. But then just as I was closing my room door I heard a noise coming from the other girls' room from earlier. I go upstairs to find her passed out on the hallway floor...she claimed she didn't know how she had gotten there and so I got her back into bed closed her blinds (which were opened since I last tucked her in) and she finally fell asleep....WHOA! That was one heck of a day 7 I have to say! I just sat on Becca's bed and we talked and tried to process what the heck just happened to our girls in the last hour of the day! We filled Hannah in and I finally made it back to my off duty house at 11:45pm...needless to say I was ready for a few days off to relax and sleep! I must say that as much as this job sometimes scares me I am surprised that I am not ready to flee after a threat! I must be adjusting to this job or something. I think it is good to know that God had got me and will protect me through all the threats whether the kids follow through with them or not and I have many friends here to protect me. I am learning so much about these kids that I mostly just sit there after I can relax and go "wow" how much are these kids hurting and wait for them to let me in so I can try and understand the hurt behind these threats and foul language! I am hoping with time I will be able to help this girl and have her open up and share with me the hurts so I can help her and get her to a better place. But until then I can only do my best and pray for her as I do for all the other girls.

As you can see there are definitely reasons why I picked up painting and running...I needed a healthy way to express my frustrations and stresses in both work and personal life. I pray that God will continue to provide safety, guidance and all the other things I am in need of help with as I continue to work in the place He has placed me to be. I do not regret for one minute being here where He wants me to be. I know He has got me and will never let go. I continue to thank you all as well for your support in me being here and following along with me on this journey. I love and miss you all!

Love,
Ashley

Another break come and gone. This break wasn't really full. I went camping with the girls on Sunday which was awesome! I decided to forget to have my first night off so I can go camping with the girls and Becca and Annie! It was a blast! I do love camping so really just getting away and being outside (even if we camped in a rustic cabin) was wonderful! We got down to Lovewell, KS and set up and simply hung out by the fire, went for a few walks, had smore's, doughboys, and many other yummy foods. It was a great way to start a short break. Then I drove back home and spent all day Monday drinking Starbucks, watching Harry Potter while spread out on the living room floor painting my canvas that I am decorating for my on duty room! It was the best thing I have done in a long time and VERY relaxing! Simply being able to focus all of my time, energy and stress into painting was simply wonderful. I had never painted canvas before but I am loving it already! I think I have found a new hobby to do on my time off. I will show ya the finished product once it is complete! I then ended up working Tuesday at Boy's Cottage for another friend of mine so my break was cut short. However it was kind of nice to be able to work with my friend Andrew and get a break from the girls. I got to work with the boys and play some video games and do all those fun things I did with my brothers that the girls I work with just don't find as much fun! Sometimes it is a wonderful break....not to mention the boys are A LOT less dramatic!

Last night I started working at Bader again with my normal shift. It was kind of a rough day with a few of our girls and their attitudes and I was just dreading coming back even if I got to hangout with Becca again. However, the evening came to a nice end when our friends Hannah, Andrew, and Joseph brought over some WONDERFUL ice cream and we all were up until like 11:30 pm eating ice cream and having some laughs. It is nice to know you had some pretty awesome friends when the times get rough. I honestly think I would have gone crazy already if it weren't for my friends. Though I feel like this week is going pretty fast, I still am struggling a bit with my own personal life. I still haven't been able to fully re-cooperate since my mom and Dennis came down to visit since this past break didn't really happen. Some days I wish I could just sit in my room and cry and scream and let all of my frustrations out....but then I Remember I am on duty and that can't really happen since I have 4 teenagers to deal with. I Think it is why I find journaling, drawing and painting so relaxing and helpful. I get to vent with it. Not to mention aside from that I am having some struggles with a friend of mine from back home that I am trying to figure out how to handle this friendship and if it is a good friendship or not to have...always a dilemma since I love people and being there for others...I don't know. Then to top it off I have a hunch my truck maybe on the outs sometime soon...I truly hope not but if that is the case I just realized to the full extent that with my student loans, medicine to pay for each month...there is NO way I can afford a new vehicle even used. So add that to the mix of trying to manage my finances and figure out my facts of life and a few teenagers in the mix...I would say it has been a bit stressful....is it sad I am already glad tomorrow is day 3 and only 3 more days until I can go off duty again!? I look forward to actually having a full break. A break to be able to paint, vent, cry and see my friends I haven't seen over break in awhile and simply try to breath and maybe figure some things out. Now if I could figure out a solution for money or a new car that would be wonderful! Any suggestions would be wonderful! Seeing as adding another job to this job is DEFINITELY NOT an option haha.

I know life brings these hiccups and some days I do struggle with wondering why I took this job and if I can do it. But then I see those wonderful moments where the kids are enjoying themselves, making good choices, leaving successfully and it simply washes away all the horrible things that happened the nights before where they are yelling and cussing at me. It makes me remember why God has me here and that this is truly where I am meant to be at this time. I see it each time I laugh with Becca and Hannah, or when I have coffee with Caitlain. Those simple moments that make life worth while and makes my days a little bit better and a little bit more complete. I thank God for those moments and for these wonderful friends He has placed in my life.

Love,
Ashley

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote. Things have been a bit busy around here. With summer on the way I have become busier on my days on...and exhausted my days off. This June brought many new and exciting things. Firstly my birthday came and went, it was a day I had to work so that wasn't great, add attitude, and complaining kids and that is a wonderful birthday. The nice thing however is that my friends Becca and Hannah threw my an ice cream party once the kids went to bed that night and so many of my friends here at Grace came over to the cottage for ice cream, hanging out and many birthday wishes. It was a fabulous night to end a rough birthday. I am so thankful for the many friends I have made. They make me happy and also help encourage me when life brings me down, and I hope I do my best as well for them.

The past two weeks of work and break has brought many challenges with the kids but also with myself. We have started SAP which stands for Summer Activities Program. With that each Monday in June we go down to Lovewell Lake in Kansas and go water skiing. Now let me tell you, I am not very coordinated on regular skis so me being on water skis is a sight to see as well. I gave it a shot, I may not have been able to stand up but after many wipe outs I am still determined to be standing on water skis by the end of the summer.

We are also preparing for a 64 mile bike ride at the end of the summer.  We bike 32 miles to a camp, stay there for a few days and bike 32 miles back. So we are preparing ourselves and the kids for that bike ride. We keep working up towards it. The first day we biked 4 miles and last Friday biked 8 miles. The kids are doing such a great job! I have a few girls who are pushing through and trying their hardest. It is great being summer, it makes us be outside more often which means being active and becoming tan! I love being outdoors and being able to have such fun activities to keep the kids busy and to help bond is a wonderful thing.  Of course in any line of work we have problems, which tends to be the kids' attitude especially when it comes to mowing properties or being told what to do. It becomes frustrating to have to deal with but in the end I love my job and I know I am doing what God wants me to do. No matter how frustrating they become  and how much I would just love to scream I am grateful for being here in Henderson and all the people and the friends, and this wonderful life God has brought me.

This past break brought my mom and my stepdad down for a visit. This is the first time I have seen any of my family in the 5 months of me being here. It was good to see my mom, but at the same time it brought a lot of stress. Our relationship hasn't been the greatest and there has been a lot that has transpired these past few weeks and even a month ago that made this it hard to talk to her about all of my problems, mostly since they deal with her. Even through all this I have tried to have a positive attitude and have some fun. We did tons of baking and a tour of the town. We were going to go shooting bows and arrows but the weather rained us out. So we just sat around and watched movies and baked. It was a nice time, if our relationship was better I would have loved it even more. A work in the making I suppose? They return back to Minnesota tonight and I begin another week of work as I go back to my normal life. I am actually quite excited to return to work and continue my new found life down here in Henderson.

Love,
Ashley