I feel like these past few days have flown by. It seems like the shifts are going quickly most times even though there are the definite moments where I was overwhelmed. I have finally hit my point on the emotional scale that it is boiling over. I know that it is my own fault but I have such a hard time sharing my emotions and how I feel. It has never been easy for me to express when I am struggling and I think a lot of it has to do with growing up and having to be independent and take care of myself. If I were good at saying "hey my life sucks right now, I need to vent and cry!" it would be so much easier, but unfortunately I have never been that type of person. I am learning, as my friends keep pointing out, that it isn't good to keep things bottled up and holding my emotions in and I am starting to feel the affects of holding my emotions in. I am hoping that perhaps this break I can get over being stubborn and try to let myself be vulnerable. Which I know is always easier said than done...my fear is that if I start to share my emotions and let the tears fall, they won't stop. I don't want to be that person who just weeps in front of someone...vulnerability has never been my strong suit and the fact that I have never really had many friends who have been constant in my life makes it hard to open up to someone for fear of them walking out of my life as well. I know sometimes I over think things...okay well a lot of the time...but sometimes I just can't seem to turn my brain off and I always worry. I have been constantly worrying about everything going on in my life. From finances, work, friendships, family, health, my future...it is a constant whirlwind of emotions and thoughts running through my brain! I don't even know where to begin to try and process things. I mean I could vent and express how I feel but would it even make sense to those who aren't going through the same thing or would I just be rambling words to an ear that listens but doesn't fully understand? Sometimes it is just hard to share when you aren't sure the people you are talking to will even understand and in certain cases they can't even relate. I am struggling especially with the holidays coming up, don't get me wrong I don't mind working Thanksgiving and hopefully going home for Christmas but to not see family is hard for one thing, but with Christmas just not seeing my mom for that time I am up in Minnesota will be difficult and I know she will not be happy about it. But how do you see someone you aren't speaking to, especially on the holidays? I feel like that shouldn't be my first time I talk to her in what is so far two months...by Christmas it will be three. I mean she is planning on us getting together but she doesn't even know I am coming up and she just assumes that I am going to see her...not to sound harsh especially for many of you who don't know the situation, but no I won't see you. What makes you think that when I ask for space until I make some decisions in my life and hopefully you are making some changes and decisions in your life too but what makes you think I want to see you if we aren't speaking? It just seems common knowledge to me I guess that when someone says they aren't talking then that usually means you won't be seeing each other for the holidays as well. It just makes it hard for me emotionally too because I do love my mom but I also know this is a healthier thing for us to not be speaking or seeing each other at the moment. And to know that and realize that we won't be spending holidays together is hard...especially when I know that she will be I am sure laying the guilt and anger card closer to that time.  

I got this devotional book yesterday called "Be Joyful: Even When Things Go Wrong, You Can Have Joy" by Warren W. Wiersbe, and it is a book focusing on the study of Philippians and how if Paul could be full of joy while in prison then why can't we be? Or how can we take another look at things and be more joyful. I started reading it last night at like 1:00 am and it hit me like a ton of bricks just in the first chapter. It is definitely going to be a book that is a tough read...tough but I think it will be good once I decide to open up. It asks typical questions but I realized right away after reading the chapter and the first set of questions set that they were super hard questions for me to answer even by myself. Questions such as What circumstances in your everyday life rob you of your Christian joy? Do you worry often? What do you worry about? In what ways do you feel secure? All of these questions just in the first chapter hit me hard...it honestly made me think what do I feel secure of? I can think of many things that I constantly worry about...more so the past few months but I realized there weren't many things on my list that I feel secure about. It is sad to think that I am not secure in most of the things in my life. It is one of the things I know I need to work on and never fully realized...I guess it just makes me more aware of how vulnerable I really am and how much I need the Lord in my life to pick up my many broken pieces. I am excited to see what this devotional will teach me, but at the same time I am terrified because I do know that it will be a difficult journey emotionally and spiritually, but then again this life is not meant to be easy.

I just find myself struggling with feeling joy, as much as I am super happy for my friends around me and all of the exciting things that are happening to them in their life, which I truly am super happy for them all, it also makes me a bit sad to see that they are so joyful and yet I am struggling so much and have no clue where my life is going and having all of these struggles in my life makes me not want to put that burden on their happiness and drag them down with me. I have been trying to find other ways of letting our my emotions, and I find myself running more, drawing and writing more often. I find that I can do my best attempt to push out my emotions through physically trying to push it would when I run. When I am hurting or am frustrated I simply push myself to run harder and it seems to work for a little bit. Plus you throw in the drawing and writing which have always been a good way for me to express my emotions since I have a difficult time actually saying them out loud (which I know is something I need to work on...but easier said than done.) Unfortunately, as I prepare to go back on duty tonight I find myself exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night for some reason, I just simply kept waking up every few hours and I find myself emotionally drained. Although I have slept a lot and tried journaling and drawing and running I am finding my emotions are overloading and I don't know what to do anymore at this point. Everything seems to be going on around me yet I have no clue what I am doing in my own life right now. I will hit my 1 year mark at Grace here next month, 3 days before Christmas, and although I have no clue what I am doing right now in my life or how to handle anything at this point, I am sure that I will stay at Grace for now..how long I am not sure but I do know that my time at Grace is still needed and that God still wants me here for the time being. I just wish I had more of a better understanding of the other aspects of the my life but unfortunately I will have to wait and see.

Love,
Ashley

I'm coming to day 6 today of my shift and I just find myself struggling a lot. Not only am I struggling with the everyday details of running a house full of teenage boys but just trying to figure out the details of my own life. I spent yesterday afternoon with one of my boys who decided in the middle of the school library to start arguing and bawling and screaming about a simple issue. After not being able to bring him to a point where he could have a normal conversation to find out the root of the problem I decided to walk him to the Grace Office to avoid more of a scene than had already been created. From the school library, all the way down the hallways, outside and down Main Street and into the office he wailed, screamed and argued with me...if my headache wasn't bad before it has escalated then. It was just a rough afternoon followed by thankfully a decent rest of the night. I spent most of the shift doing things like cleaning, organizing the cottage and baking around the cottage while the kids were in school, Not to mention we had a toilet issue so my co-worker Nolan got the not so fun end of the job of cleaning about a years worth of crusted on urine and taking the toilet out with our boss...welcome to Boys Cottage I guess, where they need to learn how to aim and use a toilet and shower correctly so the floor doesn't leak or mold. Never a dull moment here working with a house full of teenage boys. Always something to clean and teach them how to do. Though it seems like time is just flying by these days. The past few shifts have gone by mostly so fast...given the select few days where they drag on. But with each passing moment and difficult time and fun times I learn something new about myself and the boys as well. We also got the opportunity to take some new photos for our wall in the cottage so we now have fall photos of each of the boys and also a wonderful family portrait that is sitting on top of our mantel. It is starting to look like a cozy fall home now and I am loving it! If only I could light some candles I would be super excited but seeing as it is a fire hazard here and we don't need the kids around fire I will have to just live without it. There are always things to do around the house and my mind is always reeling.

Mostly my mind has just been spinning trying to figure out some friendships. It seems like I am constantly questioning friendships since I've been in high school. I have learned from a long time ago, at least since I was in high school for sure that friendships can change in an instant and no matter how many times it has happened to me...which has been more often than I'd care for...I've always had the friends who I invest more into them than I get out of our friendship. Maybe this is why I learned to just never open up and share what I am feeling. I just bottle things up and never let my friends know the hurt or the struggles I face in my personal life. What is the point if in the end you are going to question how much someone actually cares for you or why you are always listening to their problems and they never once ask you about how you are doing? I mean don't get me wrong, I do have some amazing friends but lately I've just been wondering about some of my friendships that I have. In the past few months I have evaluated a few of my relationships with friends and even with family and had to make some difficult choices with getting rid of communication in some relationships but also stepping up in relationships as well. But I still wonder how much time do I invest in some relationships, when it seems like it is a one way street? I have been down this road many times in my life and it just sucks to have to say it is happening again when I thought things would change.  It is always difficult to have to make decisions like this because they are hard each time when you have to decide, how much am I giving in these relationships and what am I getting in return. No matter how many times you have to go through this it doesn't get any easier. I am very grateful though for the friendships that I do have and those I can talk to, even if sometimes it takes some pulling teeth for me to actually express how I feel or on other occasions a kick in the butt for me to listen to their advice, I do appreciate all they do for me. I am just a stubborn person who is used to doing things on my own for so long that it is hard to accept help when it is offered. Perhaps this situation I am going through with figuring out relationships is part of the reason I have such a hard time expressing my feelings or thoughts out load or accepting help....man perhaps I should be in a group home...oh wait I am, just in charge and not a resident! I just thank God for all of you that He has placed in my life and the friendships He has given me all around the world. I look forward to continuing many friendships and just continue to pray that I get some guidance in what I need to do. God has a plan and I guess in His own time and way He shows us what is best for us...even if it is hard to accept.

Love,
Ashley