I have reached my 1 year mark here at Grace Children's Home tomorrow. I also prepare to head back to Minnesota on Tuesday for the first time since I moved down here to Nebraska as well. As I prepare to head back to Minnesota for the holidays and reflect on my past year here at Grace I am utterly amazed at how much stuff has changed in my life since I came to Henderson.

The Job: This year I never would have believed how much I learned and grew from working at Grace. When I first started at Grace I was definitely scared and didn't have a clue what I was doing. I came to a new career and although I went to school for youth ministry there was definitely nothing in the study books and classes about kids who run away, threaten you, cuss up a storm and much more. Through my 8 months working at Bader Cottage with a group of many girls, and my 4 months working at Boys Cottage with boys I have had many experiences and kids that made me wonder why in the world I was even in this job in the first place...not to mention how would I even make it through my first year! I spent my time at Bader wondering how in the world girls could be that crazy, not to mention when you put them all in a house together it goes nuts! Then my time at Boys has made me wonder how I can survive this smell that is constantly lingering, trying to have boys respect me as an authority even though I am female and wondering what I can do when a kid runs away, is caught with cigarettes or tries to use his male presence as an intimidation. But even through the threats, the crazy moments and the many nights I still have wondering why I am in this job I am also reminded through many moments with the kids and staff I work with that things will be okay. When I was working at Bader I loved how much I learned from firstly the staff I worked with Becca and Hannah. The two in themselves are definitely a bit more crazy then I would ever expect to be friends with (and yes I know you read this but there it is) But in many ways I know it has been good for me. It has helped me come out of my shell more. Although I am still an Introvert I am also a bit more willing to try new things. Those two were the first team I worked with and we made an awesome team. I learned how to handle kids and not back down, build relationships with the girls, keep my relationship with God in check while running a house of girls including cooking, shopping, balancing checkbook, allowance and always monthly paperwork. But even through all of that I have learned not only to manage a cottage but the importance of building relationships even a midst the hard times. Then the girls themselves have taught me a lot. I built many relationships with the girls I have worked with, and although I have now learned the importance of setting authority before relationships I think each of the relationships I have built have made me learn that not only am I teaching these girls some important aspects in life but they are also continuing to teach me how to be patient and to grow in myself. Then you switch over to working with the boys I work with now. In the past 4 months of working at Boys Cottage I have seen myself grow tremendously. I have become more confident in being authoritative and with working with boys I automatically have a boundary wall that allows me to not only have a healthy relationship with them but to also be more authoritative than I had at Bader. You then throw in my new team working with Andrew and Nolan and it makes for an interesting party. I always say I have 7 boys I take care of because there are some days I feel I need to take care of my fellow staff as well. I have found myself struggling a lot with a few boys especially in the aspect of them not respecting female authority. These past two shifts especially have been tough where I have been emotionally torn down by the comments and behaviors of a few of the boys, and I thankfully have Nolan and Andrew who continue to support me and stand up for me. They have given me that extra strength I need to at least make it through the shift even when my emotional status is about to break. I don't deny that we have our problems, but what team doesn't have conflict? But it is how we work through it and continue to support each other that gets us through the rough times. We have finally established how we want the cottage run as a new team coming in and it is great. It will definitely be hard once each of them start to transition out of the cottage once their year is up. Each cottage has definitely made me grow this past year with the relationships, the tests I face each day to simply just learning more about myself as I deal with each individual kid and the challenge they face and give me in order for them to grow but for myself to grow as well. I wish I could share some pictures with you all but if you were to ask me of stories I have tons of those for sure!

My Fellow Staff:
Words cannot even begin to describe the many relationships I have built through my year here. I have made some pretty strong relationships with some, some have fallen and even grown stronger throughout the year. If I would have thought I'd have such a great support network in the people I work with I wouldn't have believed it when I first came down here. I am truly blessed by each friendship that I have down here. They strive to challenge me, test my patience like most friendships do, and we help one another grow. As stubborn as I am, I am definitely grateful for the friendships I have. I honestly don't know where I would be especially emotionally this past year if it weren't for some of my friends. That isn't to say I am fully emotionally healed but they have definitely gotten me out of my shell and trying new things I never thought I would do upon moving to Nebraska. They have also taught me many key aspects to working and running a cottage. Each staff I work with has brought a different aspect to the cottage they work in and I have been able to apply each key thing they do well and be able to make where I work stronger. I have been able to play of their strengths and use my strengths as well. Although schedules have changed since I moved cottages I am grateful that I am able to see Hannah who no longer works with me at Bader when she doesn't work at the hospital. And even though I miss working with Becca at Bader I think our friendship has grown in many ways since we have had breaks together. I've definitely come out of my shell with her around and tried many new adventures. I have also gotten the opportunity to know Andrew and Nolan more with working with them. I didn't know them much when I worked at Bader but now having worked with them as I do, I continue to find many awesome gifts in each of them and enjoy our time together working and finding out what we have in common, and what we can do as a team to make the cottage run better, but to also be able to support one another when we are having a rocky time in our own lives. I have had opportunities to get to know Caitlain and Rebekah more on breaks which has been amazing to see how these friendships grow since we have never worked together in a cottage. It gives me the opportunity to build relationships with those I don't get to see as much but enjoy time together with.

Myself:
Which brings me to myself this past year. I can honestly say I have seen a difference in myself this past year. From taking a chance to moving to a small town I had never heard of or knew anyone was a huge leap. I have not only seen myself grow at the cottage but that in turn has made me grow personally. I have seen confidence build in myself I never knew I had. Although I still have my moments where I doubt myself, I can definitely feel confident in most of who I am. I have also been more willing to try new things this year. I have now gotten into running more thanks to my friend Becca. I have found it is a great way for me to release stress from work and my personal life. I have now accomplished two 5K's this past year, done a lot more running, and lost about 30 lbs since coming to Grace. Not to mention the weight loss probably comes from eating healthier regular meals, chasing kids around town, and running but I have never felt better about how I feel than I do now. I feel more energized since picking up running and coming to Grace. I have also had the experience of attempting to Water Ski this past summer. Although I only butt surfed this time I have faith I will get up this next summer! I have experienced a trip to Sonic for the first time...plus many more, many camp fires with friends and many more wonderful adventures. I am so thankful for each memory that has come to me being here at Grace. It has definitely made up for the many struggles I have faced as well. I have struggled, and continue to struggle with many personal problems back home that make it so hard to even explain here. The conflict going on inside my head has been a constant worry and as I prepare to go home on Tuesday it doesn't make things any easier. However, I try to be strong for my kids and make it through. The moments when I feel like crying usually are when I can't since I am working but I am happy to see some changes in the kids I work with. Although my life has been a struggle this year I am so grateful for the many opportunities I have had this year at Grace with the kids, staff and the experience itself. Even though I don't know how long I will continue to be here at Grace I am going to enjoy the most of it for the time that God has placed me here. Thank you all for your continued support through this year and the many more experiences that are to come.

Love,
Ashley

Take a look at some fun memories from this past year!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 

Here is to many more memories in 2014!

The holidays have quickly approached. Thanksgiving along with my 11 month mark here at Grace have come and gone. It is absolutely astounding how quickly time has flown by! As I prepare for heading home for Christmas I am all caught up with many different emotions and that puts me in a bit of a funk. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled to be able to go home for the first time in a year and see my friends and family, but at the same time I struggle and am less than thrilled to go home and realize I won't be seeing certain family and friends. It is a choice that I made, and I would do it again if someone asked me to, but at the same time if I could choose to not have to deal with the random text messages that are full of manipulation and guilt trips...I could definitely do without those. I am finding myself biting my nails more than I have in months and I don't know why I feel so guilty when I have done nothing wrong. Am I supposed to feel guilty? Because as much as I hate to admit it, she is winning and I do feel guilty and I hate the fact that it is coming to that! How can one person have so much control over me and my emotions even after not talking to them for 3 months! The fact that I care I know is a good thing in some ways, because after all I do love this person and I wouldn't wish anything bad upon them...but at the same time isn't the whole point of no communication until I am ready (if I am ready at this point) supposed to mean we don't have ANY communication and that includes that random messages thrown at me after a few months to make me feel bad! How is that supposed to help me any...just when I think I am emotionally and spiritually headed back onto the right path where I can breathe again, the monkey wrench gets thrown in and explodes all the progress I have made and instead of simply going back to square one...I feel like I am back at like square -10! So when people ask me "are you excited to go home for Christmas and see your family?" how do I respond to that now? Yes I am excited to see many people I haven't seen in a year, yes I am excited to share all of the wonderful and yet challenging things and people God has placed into my life down here at Grace and the wonderful friends, yes I am excited to see the beautiful North-lands of Minnesota...but no I am not prepared or excited for the challenges and repercussions I know that will await me after the trip when I don't see some people on my journey home. How are you ever prepared for that? I handle it the best way I know how to...I run, some might say both physically and I run from facing the emotions I am feeling, though I guess I wouldn't deny it at this point that it is exactly what I am doing. Physically running has definitely helped me especially these past few months. Now only do I find it good for my health to get more in shape and find an activity I have learned to enjoy when I never thought I would...but at the same time I find it a wonderful stress reliever. It is a great way for me to push all of my frustrations and built up emotions that I am unable to share or express and physically push it out when I run. As much as that helps most days I know I need to share my feelings more as my friends have been SO kind to point out. :P But even though I struggle to share how I feel and am working on it, and I may get frustrated with them trying to get me to talk...I am thankful for them and how persistent they are. In some ways I know it is good for me considering I never had friends who would do this before...take me for a spin in their car and refuse to let me out or lock me in a laundry room with them until I talked lol. Most people I grew up with and called friends would just say okay you are fine and move on...and perhaps that is the way I liked it growing up, or so I thought. Perhaps if I would have had some more friends like I do now I wouldn't be as emotionally screwed up as I am...and so I am sure I am going to never live this down when they decide to read this...but thanks for being pains in the butt, pushy and not giving up on me when I'm so emotionally broken...I need it.

On a lighter note, I am enjoying my time here at Grace. I will have been here a year on the 22nd. I am loving my time working with the boys and all the adventures they bring me on. Yes I indeed struggle with a few of them, some more than others but it is what keeps me going, keeps me growing and what I love to do. I wouldn't change my decision to move over to the Boys Cottage 4 months ago. I feel more comfortable and in my shoes...yes I miss some of the relationships I had with the girls but I feel like I have grown more as a person. I know that even though I would be free to leave once my year is up...I know my time is not yet up here at Grace. It will be hard seeing some of my friends leave as I know once their year comes they will be done at Grace but I choose to believe that God will keep us together even if not physically together at Grace. Some friendships cannot be broken if you choose to keep them. Although I do realize I will not be at Grace forever and it isn't my place to settle permanently, I know for now God still has a lot to teach me here and until He is ready for me to leave and move on, I will patiently wait and let Him continue to guide me and keep me learning and growing, and perhaps heal here as well.

Love,
Ashley

I feel like these past few days have flown by. It seems like the shifts are going quickly most times even though there are the definite moments where I was overwhelmed. I have finally hit my point on the emotional scale that it is boiling over. I know that it is my own fault but I have such a hard time sharing my emotions and how I feel. It has never been easy for me to express when I am struggling and I think a lot of it has to do with growing up and having to be independent and take care of myself. If I were good at saying "hey my life sucks right now, I need to vent and cry!" it would be so much easier, but unfortunately I have never been that type of person. I am learning, as my friends keep pointing out, that it isn't good to keep things bottled up and holding my emotions in and I am starting to feel the affects of holding my emotions in. I am hoping that perhaps this break I can get over being stubborn and try to let myself be vulnerable. Which I know is always easier said than done...my fear is that if I start to share my emotions and let the tears fall, they won't stop. I don't want to be that person who just weeps in front of someone...vulnerability has never been my strong suit and the fact that I have never really had many friends who have been constant in my life makes it hard to open up to someone for fear of them walking out of my life as well. I know sometimes I over think things...okay well a lot of the time...but sometimes I just can't seem to turn my brain off and I always worry. I have been constantly worrying about everything going on in my life. From finances, work, friendships, family, health, my future...it is a constant whirlwind of emotions and thoughts running through my brain! I don't even know where to begin to try and process things. I mean I could vent and express how I feel but would it even make sense to those who aren't going through the same thing or would I just be rambling words to an ear that listens but doesn't fully understand? Sometimes it is just hard to share when you aren't sure the people you are talking to will even understand and in certain cases they can't even relate. I am struggling especially with the holidays coming up, don't get me wrong I don't mind working Thanksgiving and hopefully going home for Christmas but to not see family is hard for one thing, but with Christmas just not seeing my mom for that time I am up in Minnesota will be difficult and I know she will not be happy about it. But how do you see someone you aren't speaking to, especially on the holidays? I feel like that shouldn't be my first time I talk to her in what is so far two months...by Christmas it will be three. I mean she is planning on us getting together but she doesn't even know I am coming up and she just assumes that I am going to see her...not to sound harsh especially for many of you who don't know the situation, but no I won't see you. What makes you think that when I ask for space until I make some decisions in my life and hopefully you are making some changes and decisions in your life too but what makes you think I want to see you if we aren't speaking? It just seems common knowledge to me I guess that when someone says they aren't talking then that usually means you won't be seeing each other for the holidays as well. It just makes it hard for me emotionally too because I do love my mom but I also know this is a healthier thing for us to not be speaking or seeing each other at the moment. And to know that and realize that we won't be spending holidays together is hard...especially when I know that she will be I am sure laying the guilt and anger card closer to that time.  

I got this devotional book yesterday called "Be Joyful: Even When Things Go Wrong, You Can Have Joy" by Warren W. Wiersbe, and it is a book focusing on the study of Philippians and how if Paul could be full of joy while in prison then why can't we be? Or how can we take another look at things and be more joyful. I started reading it last night at like 1:00 am and it hit me like a ton of bricks just in the first chapter. It is definitely going to be a book that is a tough read...tough but I think it will be good once I decide to open up. It asks typical questions but I realized right away after reading the chapter and the first set of questions set that they were super hard questions for me to answer even by myself. Questions such as What circumstances in your everyday life rob you of your Christian joy? Do you worry often? What do you worry about? In what ways do you feel secure? All of these questions just in the first chapter hit me hard...it honestly made me think what do I feel secure of? I can think of many things that I constantly worry about...more so the past few months but I realized there weren't many things on my list that I feel secure about. It is sad to think that I am not secure in most of the things in my life. It is one of the things I know I need to work on and never fully realized...I guess it just makes me more aware of how vulnerable I really am and how much I need the Lord in my life to pick up my many broken pieces. I am excited to see what this devotional will teach me, but at the same time I am terrified because I do know that it will be a difficult journey emotionally and spiritually, but then again this life is not meant to be easy.

I just find myself struggling with feeling joy, as much as I am super happy for my friends around me and all of the exciting things that are happening to them in their life, which I truly am super happy for them all, it also makes me a bit sad to see that they are so joyful and yet I am struggling so much and have no clue where my life is going and having all of these struggles in my life makes me not want to put that burden on their happiness and drag them down with me. I have been trying to find other ways of letting our my emotions, and I find myself running more, drawing and writing more often. I find that I can do my best attempt to push out my emotions through physically trying to push it would when I run. When I am hurting or am frustrated I simply push myself to run harder and it seems to work for a little bit. Plus you throw in the drawing and writing which have always been a good way for me to express my emotions since I have a difficult time actually saying them out loud (which I know is something I need to work on...but easier said than done.) Unfortunately, as I prepare to go back on duty tonight I find myself exhausted. I didn't sleep well last night for some reason, I just simply kept waking up every few hours and I find myself emotionally drained. Although I have slept a lot and tried journaling and drawing and running I am finding my emotions are overloading and I don't know what to do anymore at this point. Everything seems to be going on around me yet I have no clue what I am doing in my own life right now. I will hit my 1 year mark at Grace here next month, 3 days before Christmas, and although I have no clue what I am doing right now in my life or how to handle anything at this point, I am sure that I will stay at Grace for now..how long I am not sure but I do know that my time at Grace is still needed and that God still wants me here for the time being. I just wish I had more of a better understanding of the other aspects of the my life but unfortunately I will have to wait and see.

Love,
Ashley

I'm coming to day 6 today of my shift and I just find myself struggling a lot. Not only am I struggling with the everyday details of running a house full of teenage boys but just trying to figure out the details of my own life. I spent yesterday afternoon with one of my boys who decided in the middle of the school library to start arguing and bawling and screaming about a simple issue. After not being able to bring him to a point where he could have a normal conversation to find out the root of the problem I decided to walk him to the Grace Office to avoid more of a scene than had already been created. From the school library, all the way down the hallways, outside and down Main Street and into the office he wailed, screamed and argued with me...if my headache wasn't bad before it has escalated then. It was just a rough afternoon followed by thankfully a decent rest of the night. I spent most of the shift doing things like cleaning, organizing the cottage and baking around the cottage while the kids were in school, Not to mention we had a toilet issue so my co-worker Nolan got the not so fun end of the job of cleaning about a years worth of crusted on urine and taking the toilet out with our boss...welcome to Boys Cottage I guess, where they need to learn how to aim and use a toilet and shower correctly so the floor doesn't leak or mold. Never a dull moment here working with a house full of teenage boys. Always something to clean and teach them how to do. Though it seems like time is just flying by these days. The past few shifts have gone by mostly so fast...given the select few days where they drag on. But with each passing moment and difficult time and fun times I learn something new about myself and the boys as well. We also got the opportunity to take some new photos for our wall in the cottage so we now have fall photos of each of the boys and also a wonderful family portrait that is sitting on top of our mantel. It is starting to look like a cozy fall home now and I am loving it! If only I could light some candles I would be super excited but seeing as it is a fire hazard here and we don't need the kids around fire I will have to just live without it. There are always things to do around the house and my mind is always reeling.

Mostly my mind has just been spinning trying to figure out some friendships. It seems like I am constantly questioning friendships since I've been in high school. I have learned from a long time ago, at least since I was in high school for sure that friendships can change in an instant and no matter how many times it has happened to me...which has been more often than I'd care for...I've always had the friends who I invest more into them than I get out of our friendship. Maybe this is why I learned to just never open up and share what I am feeling. I just bottle things up and never let my friends know the hurt or the struggles I face in my personal life. What is the point if in the end you are going to question how much someone actually cares for you or why you are always listening to their problems and they never once ask you about how you are doing? I mean don't get me wrong, I do have some amazing friends but lately I've just been wondering about some of my friendships that I have. In the past few months I have evaluated a few of my relationships with friends and even with family and had to make some difficult choices with getting rid of communication in some relationships but also stepping up in relationships as well. But I still wonder how much time do I invest in some relationships, when it seems like it is a one way street? I have been down this road many times in my life and it just sucks to have to say it is happening again when I thought things would change.  It is always difficult to have to make decisions like this because they are hard each time when you have to decide, how much am I giving in these relationships and what am I getting in return. No matter how many times you have to go through this it doesn't get any easier. I am very grateful though for the friendships that I do have and those I can talk to, even if sometimes it takes some pulling teeth for me to actually express how I feel or on other occasions a kick in the butt for me to listen to their advice, I do appreciate all they do for me. I am just a stubborn person who is used to doing things on my own for so long that it is hard to accept help when it is offered. Perhaps this situation I am going through with figuring out relationships is part of the reason I have such a hard time expressing my feelings or thoughts out load or accepting help....man perhaps I should be in a group home...oh wait I am, just in charge and not a resident! I just thank God for all of you that He has placed in my life and the friendships He has given me all around the world. I look forward to continuing many friendships and just continue to pray that I get some guidance in what I need to do. God has a plan and I guess in His own time and way He shows us what is best for us...even if it is hard to accept.

Love,
Ashley

It is now October 26, it marks day one of my break. I have now been here for 10 months working here at Grace Children's Home. These past 10 months have brought many changes to my life. I have made many wonderful friends and really grown as a person in becoming who God wants me to be. The growth comes from both the fun times and the challenging parts of my job. I find that in the past month and a half since I have been working at Boys Cottage I see myself growing each day. It is a wonderful feeling to see that I am not only helping the boys grow but I am as well. This past shift especially that I was in has been hard. I am finding myself to be more agitated and more irritated than normal. Not to mention I am always tired but I can't sleep until bedtime because there is always something that needs to be done around the house. I just have had a few days these past few weeks but especially this week where I just want to cry and let whatever crazy emotions go...even though I don't know why they are there. I have just had a crazy long shift, on day 2 I felt like I was on day 9...and apparently I looked like it according to my co-worker haha. I just had many moments where the boys would be emotionally struggling and I was trying to deal with that...not to mention I had a few moments where I felt like I was just working by myself. It's those moments when you freak out and you just don't know what to do. Not to mention, stupid me had to sit on my stubborn high horse and not accept the help of my friends for a few weeks...I hit my head about three weeks ago when I fell out of bed and hit my night stand. I didn't think it was a big deal that I still had a headache two weeks later, and finally my friends may have told my boss who made me go to the doctor. Suffered a slight minor concussion which is no biggie...I thought I was fine and could play basketball again since the doctor never said a specific date (or I am just stubborn I guess) and although I didn't push myself to the full extent that I could have when playing with the guys I realized the next day when I woke up how I was not ready for that. It could have been the little tap in the head by the basketball to the back of the head that made it hurt a bit more but it was like a wake up call that made me FINALLY realize that I need to take care of myself. (insert and "I told you so" from my friends probably).It just made me honestly wish I had listened to my friends in the first place. I guess I am just so use to being independent and not needing anyone to take care of me that when someone actually came to try and help me,  I chose not to accept the help. I am truly grateful for these friends of mine. It is just taking me a little longer to realize that there are actually people out there who care for me and aren't going to leave me, or turn on me, or in some way shape or form hurt me. I've been hurt too many times in the past emotionally that I guess I have just built this wall up and have gotten use to it. I guess that is something that is truly great about this job is that although it is an extremely difficult lesson to learn I am starting to learn to be humble and open to people helping me...well starting to. It is a long process I think but I think it will only get better once I accept the help people have to offer. These past 10 months have really taught me a lot about not only the lives these kids live, but really about myself and the importance of friendship. These past few weeks I have gotten to create a lot of memories with my friends including raking and jumping in leaves with my boys, a 5K Color Run with Becca which involved running in the cold and having paint thrown at us while we did it...nothing like a fun messy run to start your day off! It was just great to do those things that are fun and even if you do it once you create memories to last. Not to mention I got to sit and watch Becca and Hannah take on the boys in a basketball game (which I couldn't play unfortunately) wearing ridiculous outfits that make your day that much brighter...I think it is those little things that brighten your day even when you get down. Knowing that you have those friends that can help you get through anything even if you can't see it yourself. Which I am glad to know I have that because whatever struggles I am dealing with right now I know that I have friends for, as long as I open up. It is not to say things are perfect in my life because to be honest my life is pretty messed up as we speak and I don't know where my future leads even in the next few months but at least I have some great people who love and support me. Plus as much as this job is stressful, I also love these kids and the things I am learning each day working with them. Each challenge brings a new lesson to learn.

Love,
Ashley

It is now the end of September...crazy how time flies. I find myself at a battle of my own thoughts. Which I hate when that happens. It has now been 10 days since I last spoke to the person I wrote my letter to asking for space, and so far she has been gracious enough to understand and give me the space I asked for...which includes no contact until I am ready. I find myself being happy again, which I know should be a great thing...but at what cost since I am no longer talking to this person? Is it because I am not speaking to her that I am happy? Don't get me wrong I love that I am happier than I have been in a long time and I know I need to do what is best for me and my life...but at the same time I feel so guilty. I feel like I shouldn't have guilt for being happy and taking care of myself...but she is my family. There are many days I just sit and ponder how she is holding up, and although I don't regret the decision I finally made, I do want to cry for what I lost as well. It is okay to cry for the loss in your life I know but I struggle to cry. When I want to cry I can't and at the bad moments of when I don't want to cry...especially in front of people is usually the time that I start to cry and hold it in. I've always grown up just thinking that crying was a sign of weakness and shows vulnerability and I hate it...it is something I am trying to work on but it doesn't make it any easier. I can feel my emotions just bottling up inside of me so much that I shake...I honestly think it isn't so much the fact that I am now happy but the fact that I have had so many emotions running through my body and held in over the past 24 years that it all is now coming to a peak since I have taken control of the situation that caused most of the problem. 24 years of built up frustration, anger, sadness and now peace comes boiling to the top and my body is feeling it. If I could just find a simple solution to I don't know...say cry...then my problems would probably be solved! Why did I have to be a person who tries to act all tough and not show vulnerability? I guess on the upside it helps in my job situation. Working with 5 teenage boys in a cottage you definitely need to show that you mean business and not show any signs of weakness or they would use it against you. I am finding that working with the boys is easier for me than with the girls. I have learned how to not only run a house and take care of the boys, but also be firm and authoritative in the past month I have begun working with the boys. I don't deny that I still have a lot I need to learn and grow in, especially when it comes to working with boys, but I think it is an amazing learning experience. It helps me learn how to take leadership and since I don't have as much of an emotional relationship like I did with the girls I worked with I am able to not only focus on the job at hand, but at the same time when I am off duty and even on duty I can start to think about my own personal life...which is both good and bad. Because I know, as well as many others probably do, that when your mind is free to think about yourself, especially while laying in bed, your mind wanders and begins to worry. I spent this break so far being super productive with baking, hanging out with my friends and just being happy...but I spent tonight painting which was wonderful since I was feeling inspired, but I also just felt like reverting back into my introverted self again...which never fails to get attention I guess. I wish I were better at not being so introverted, or at least better at saying I am fine and not showing when something is bothering me...especially because I hate being a burden to my friends, especially because I know they all have so much on their minds lately as well. Why add to their plate as well? I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying and devotions the past few weeks and I just pray that God will continue to guide me on this journey that is beginning to take an emotional turn for me. I know He has the strength to lead and guide me, and I know He will not only in my personal life but my job as well and help me with these kids that I am working with. Lord just give me the patience and guidance to do things according to your will, and thank you for giving me such wonderful friends who are constantly supportive of me...even when I can't express how much they mean to me and how much I need them. As I go about this next shift I go in looking to be a bit more hopeful and go in with my eyes open to opportunity.

Love,
Ashley

Tomorrow marks 9 months of me working here at Grace Children's Home...it is hard to believe that I have been working and living in Nebraska for that long already! Not to mention that I haven't been back home or seen my family in that same amount of time! Time has gone so quickly that each day, each shift passes and blurs together. I think it blurs together especially when you have a rough shift. This past shift had been one of those shifts that started out bad...then progressively got worse with each passing day. By the time day 6 came alone I was physically and emotionally spent both from work but also from my personal life. With all that has gone on and the way I have been feeling I have basically been hibernating in my room the past two days of my break at least...or spending some personal time by myself at Starbucks with my devotional book.

My past shift consisted on one of our boys getting suspended from school for probably the 3rd or 4th time now since the beginning of school...which was the end of August! Only this time he was not allowed on school premise at any time during suspension, which means that when we went to pick up the other boys from school only one of us could go and the other had to stay back with him at the cottage.  After the first few days of this with constant work projects and trying to get him to do his school work because after all being suspended doesn't mean you get to have fun, we ended up having yet another meeting with Brian who is the Program Director and this kid was placed once again on intake. Which for those of you who don't know what intake is, or perhaps forgot from way back when, it is usually the first two weeks when a kid is first placed at Grace where they are required to stay within arms reach of a staff at all time, and must ask for permission before they go anywhere like their room or to the bathroom. So for this kid to be placed back on intake after so many months is something. Needless to say this kid wasn't very happy about it...but then again neither were we since we had to be with him all the time and to have to see that we couldn't trust him again is sad. It is always sad when you see a kid progressively get worse, although they become annoying and frustrate you, you in the end want what is best for them and to see them not trying and just constantly want to argue makes you sad and at the same time frustrated. He just has gotten so defiant more than normal and this past week has really shown it more so. I have worked so hard with this kid the past six days especially with trying to get him to work on his make up work or ANY school work and all he chose to do was continue to argue, and just sit on the floor. It was a super stressful week. Through dealing with that was one thing, not to mention of a few of the other boys had their moments as well this week, it was enough to make anyone emotionally and physically tired...but to make it worse my personal life has still been pretty rough...the person I mailed the letter out to a few days ago that I mentioned had received it on Thursday.

I know I have told a few of you personally about this letter I had been writing and to who it was sent to. This was probably one of the hardest letters to write. It was also probably one of the hardest letters to mail...and then sit and wait while I knew this person would respond once they received it...to which I received a simple text that said "Call me sometime, otherwise I will just let you be." To put it simple I knew she had received the letter...but to be honest I was expecting much more of a stronger response than that text. So realistically I am expecting this to be the calm before the storm. That in itself is making me have a hard time. I knew holding my boundaries would be difficult once I sent the letter in not calling, responding to calls or texts but as much as I know I need to hold to these boundaries I also know that this person is very capable of taking this super hard and I just don't want them doing something stupid. I know I am not the only one who received this text and it makes me wonder two things. 1.) is this person just trying to manipulate me and make me feel bad by sending this text message? and 2.) Will she do something stupid because I am taking time to separate myself from them and get my life in order and sent the letter? I know it is not my fault how they choose to respond and react to this letter and I need to worry about myself...but at the same time I do worry because I love this person so much and like I said, I don't want to cut this person out of my life completely and I don't want them making stupid choices and make a stupid action. I guess my fear is that one day I am going to wake up one morning to find that this person isn't there anymore...I don't want to carry that burden of thinking that because I sent this letter they chose to act in that way, but at the same time I know I am not responsible for the choices they make, whether deciding to act like a child or try and manipulate me into feeling sorry for them.

I am very grateful for the friends that I have who have been helping me through some of it. I knew going into this challenge that it was going to be a rough and rocky road, but I know this is only the beginning. My heart is heavy at the moment and I am doing my best to pull out of it but it isn't working so well at the moment. The fact that I am not only emotionally drained from work but this as well is exhausting. Hence why I have spent the past two of my three days of break sleeping, spending some time by myself all day in my room or Starbucks. I have been reading a few devotional books during that time as well though. I am realizing more than ever that I need Jesus right now. This is a battle that I cannot fight alone and I need His strength as well to get through it. He is the only one who can sustain me and give me strength. I am struggling to find the strength but I know He is the one who will supply it. This battle however, is not only affecting me emotionally but I know because I am stressed and overwhelmed that I can feel my body acting out as well. I simply sit there are quietly listen to the words I am reading or the music I am reflecting on and I can feel my body twitching. It has been a constant two days of my body just shaking and I am unsure of what to think or how to act. Aside from sleeping I don't think there is much I can do to take care of my body. There is a part of me that wonders if perhaps I have seized in my sleep, but there is no good way to be sure of that. I also realize however, that I need to try and figure out a way to take care of myself. This is probably a good night to go for a run since that is how I have taken out my stress and worries in the past. The only problem is that I am so exhausted I am not that motivated to go.

If this is only the beginning of this battle what is it going to look like in a few weeks? Months? I really do pray that it doesn't become permanent but I know I need to think of what is best for me, but I am going to have to take it a day at a time. I know I have these amazing friends who just want to hangout together, but honestly the way I am feeling, and perhaps it is the introvert in me, but I cannot handle 3 extrovert friends right now. I went out to dinner with them and a bunch of other people and it was definitely fun, but I just didn't have the energy to hold a huge conversation. I do love to be around people sometimes but I am definitely feeling the introverted part of me, where I just need my space and time to myself in order to get re-energized. Sometimes all I need is time to myself to process my thoughts, and re-cooperate...something I know some of my friends may not understand, then there are the friends who are introverted as well and completely understand it. I just wish I knew how to communicate better verbally to share how I am feeling, I have always been better at communicating through my words or my art (again the introvert in me) so when someone asks me how I am feeling or what is wrong...it is always easier for me to simply just say "I'm fine." or put a smile on my face, when at this point in time all I feel like doing is crying. I know it will get better in time, especially as things get better with work, and I begin to learn how to handle this situation better, and thankfully I have a good friend who is holding me accountable to not contacting or caving into the manipulation of this person who I am choosing to not have contact with at this time. I am so thankful that God has placed her and my other amazing friends in my life.

Although I know this battle is far from over and it will probably get worse, I am also excited to continue to read more of what the Lord has to teach me and help prepare my heart for this difficult road. I know this isn't the most cheerful post especially for my 9 month anniversary of working at Grace...but I honestly don't feel very cheery at the moment so I find it very fitting.

-"If you seek God alone, you will gain happiness: that is its promise." (Life Together by: Dietrich Bonhoeffer, p.84)

Something that I am continuing to seek and remember especially through these days of challenges. I just thank you all for continuing to support me through this journey down here at Grace and although a lot of you don't understand it all, through this personal challenge as well. I love you all!

Love,
Ashley

I have been spending my final day on break trying to keep busy. I actually have had overall an amazing break for once! No worries really...it actually felt like a break! Today I slept in which felt amazing, then just lounged around the house until 1:00 p.m. just reading, writing cards to friends and simply just spending time to myself. Then Becca and I drove up to York to go thrifting. We had gone shopping in Grand Island yesterday and my hopes of finding new clothes preparing for fall didn't happen. However, today I had more luck! We stopped first at Blue Valley where I was determined to find this shirt I found as a humorous joke but we were in there five minutes when this lady walks up to us and goes "Hi ladies, can I help you with something?" To which of course we naturally respond "No we are just looking." She then informs us that the store is actually closed until Monday so they can prepare for the seasonal change! Okay if you are closed the least you can do is lock the door or at least put a closed sign out front! Otherwise naturally people are going to assume the store is open right!? The one time we actually found some good things and they are closed so we couldn't even purchase them...how unfortunate! Thankfully our next stop at Trading Post found some better luck. I found 2 pairs of jeans and 4 shirts which I was super excited about! A really nice price for a good amount of quality clothes makes me super excited! Next and final stop on our list we ACE Hardware to pick out paint samples because we are in the process...or I should say I am in the process of preparing to paint our living room. Becca isn't a fan of painting which is fine, as long as I get my housemates opinions on the paint color I have no problem painting the living room. I find it rather enjoyable and it helps me relieve some stress so it is a nice hobby to do while the kids are in school. Well while we are shopping I receive a text from someone that makes me quite annoyed...naturally I am leaving this person's name blank in the blog but I have been not speaking to this person for almost a 3 weeks now and they asked me if I was mad at them. Well there are countless reasons to why I am not speaking to this person at the moment and am in process of writing to them, but I simply just replied "I am writing you a letter that will be coming soon." Well if I would have known that it would in turn cause the person to call me and text me at least 6 different times in the span of a half hour I wouldn't have sent it! It caused this person to start flipping out, manipulating me with responses and trying to get me to call them. So much for a nice break of no stress and worries.

When did things get so complicated? I mean like I previously wrote I knew this road I am about to partake wasn't going to be easy but I haven't even set foot on the path and it already has begun! These are the times that I need to truly rely on God and my friends for support. I found myself consumed once again by the stress, anger, sadness and frustrations that had consumed me for so long a few weeks ago. I am not ready to go back to that. This is why I need to make changes in my life and prepare for the battle. I just wish things didn't have to be so hard. I went for a bike ride tonight just to process again and it felt wonderful to simply just ride around town on my bike around the pond with the smell of fall on its way. I wish things could be that simple, where I can just ride my bike around the pond and have no worries, but in reality I know that isn't realistic. I know that as I enter my final two hours before I go back on duty tonight at Boys, I need to prepare myself to focus on the kids. After all this is the conclusion I came to 3 weeks ago, was that I need to be able to put all of my time and energy into these kids and helping them while I am on duty, after all they are the reason I am here. God placed me here to help these kids to the best of my capability and help them grow as well as myself. If I can't put my personal issues aside even a little bit then what am I doing here? This is the reason I stopped talking to the person in the first place temporarily. Then all of a sudden one little hiccup and it affects me all over again! This has to get easier right? If not I am going to be doing a whole lot more running and biking for sure! I just simply ask for continuous prayer during this time because I know that the first few weeks and maybe even months are going to be a huge challenge for me and this person as well. I never intend to hurt anyone and my fear is that this letter is going to hurt a person I truly love and care for, and it hurts me to know I have to write it but I also know I need to think about myself as well and what is best for me. I need to think about what is best for me and how I can be able to focus on my job, and the kids. My heart aches right now and I just pray that I can continue to find strength and guidance on this new road that is bound to have many challenges...

Ashley

It has been a few weeks since I last wrote and a few shifts later. I have been adjusting to life at Boys Cottage full time. It has definitely been a different environment compared to working at Bader with a bunch of teenage girls. For one thing it has been weird being the only female in the cottage with a household of five boys. Being considered the household "mom" is a definite weird feeling like one thing is that the guys I work with are not allowed to hang any decorations or buy decorative things without the "cottage mom's" permission. Now that is a weird feeling to me! I still even after 8 1/2 months here have not grown use to the fact of being called a cottage mom even though in essence it is what my job entails. It has definitely been an interesting experience all around. For starters I have finally gotten in the process of decorating my room at Boys Cottage. It is a wonderful feeling to be able to start decorating my room with hanging up pictures and cards from friends in order to make it more personal and more of "my room". It has been a few crazy and fun weeks trying to adjust and get things situated. One of the many fun things however in being apart of the boys cottage crew was that we decided to take a cottage photo in order to decorate our cottage more. This involved a giant mud pit and a mud fight! Yes you heard correctly...I suppose only in a small country town and a cottage full of boys would the family portrait consist of mud! I would post pictures of our portraits but it isn't allowed seeing as we need to keep the kids' privacy. However I will post some after pictures of myself, my friend Becca and my fellow friends/cottage partners Andrew and Nolan. There was fun to be had around and it was a great way to take some of the stress I have been holding out.

There has been so many changes in the past few weeks in my own life that I have put so much on hold. It is now time for me to get back on track with my own life and not let the emotional turmoil of my mom and family take its toll on me. I have come to some hard but good decisions the past week or so and now that I have accepted the changes and am sticking to them I am hoping my life will begin to take a turn for the better. I need to get my life back on track and trust that God will continue to guide me. It is funny, that although there have been a few hard decisions I feel better about the choices I am making for my life. I have had countless conversations with my Nana and many of my friends and each and every person has given me support, love and many words of encouragement that has helped me in the decisions I have been making, and I want to thank each and every one of you guys! Your input and advice has been very helpful to me and continues to help me as I know I am about to begin a very difficult journey ahead. But although the journey will not be easy I know that I am doing what is best for me and that God will continue to be my rock through these tough times.

I got to spend this past break with my friends Rebekah and Becca and I can honestly say that it has been the first break in quite a long time where the constant loom of sadness, worry and anger hasn't taken over me. I have actually been able to enjoy my time off more than I have before. Aside from a hard moment tonight as I finished up a letter, it has been relatively fun. I took care of that stress by going to the gym tonight and running a good 2 miles on the treadmill which helped me as well. I am so thankful to have such amazing friends that even in the tough times I can enjoy every moment with them and laugh and be happy. I am excited to see what is going to come within the next few weeks as well and many more fun opportunities. The road I am about to step onto will not be easy by far but I am trusting in God and know that I am not alone on this journey. Thank you all for continuing on this journey with me as well and being such an amazing support system. I love you all!

Love,
Ashley

                                                Andrew, Becca, myself and Nolan post mudfight!

                                                       Becca and I

                                         The new Boys Cottage Staff: Nolan, Andrew and myself

                              Becca and I after the mudfight. Great friends join in mud fights with you!

                                              Slightly muddy? The only way to spend a break!

                            A little mud never hurt anyone right? Welcome to Boys Cottage I guess!

                                     Our latest break...a trip to Sonic! First time and it was great! Some wonderful memories to be added to the book!