I'm coming to day 6 today of my shift and I just find myself struggling a lot. Not only am I struggling with the everyday details of running a house full of teenage boys but just trying to figure out the details of my own life. I spent yesterday afternoon with one of my boys who decided in the middle of the school library to start arguing and bawling and screaming about a simple issue. After not being able to bring him to a point where he could have a normal conversation to find out the root of the problem I decided to walk him to the Grace Office to avoid more of a scene than had already been created. From the school library, all the way down the hallways, outside and down Main Street and into the office he wailed, screamed and argued with me...if my headache wasn't bad before it has escalated then. It was just a rough afternoon followed by thankfully a decent rest of the night. I spent most of the shift doing things like cleaning, organizing the cottage and baking around the cottage while the kids were in school, Not to mention we had a toilet issue so my co-worker Nolan got the not so fun end of the job of cleaning about a years worth of crusted on urine and taking the toilet out with our boss...welcome to Boys Cottage I guess, where they need to learn how to aim and use a toilet and shower correctly so the floor doesn't leak or mold. Never a dull moment here working with a house full of teenage boys. Always something to clean and teach them how to do. Though it seems like time is just flying by these days. The past few shifts have gone by mostly so fast...given the select few days where they drag on. But with each passing moment and difficult time and fun times I learn something new about myself and the boys as well. We also got the opportunity to take some new photos for our wall in the cottage so we now have fall photos of each of the boys and also a wonderful family portrait that is sitting on top of our mantel. It is starting to look like a cozy fall home now and I am loving it! If only I could light some candles I would be super excited but seeing as it is a fire hazard here and we don't need the kids around fire I will have to just live without it. There are always things to do around the house and my mind is always reeling.

Mostly my mind has just been spinning trying to figure out some friendships. It seems like I am constantly questioning friendships since I've been in high school. I have learned from a long time ago, at least since I was in high school for sure that friendships can change in an instant and no matter how many times it has happened to me...which has been more often than I'd care for...I've always had the friends who I invest more into them than I get out of our friendship. Maybe this is why I learned to just never open up and share what I am feeling. I just bottle things up and never let my friends know the hurt or the struggles I face in my personal life. What is the point if in the end you are going to question how much someone actually cares for you or why you are always listening to their problems and they never once ask you about how you are doing? I mean don't get me wrong, I do have some amazing friends but lately I've just been wondering about some of my friendships that I have. In the past few months I have evaluated a few of my relationships with friends and even with family and had to make some difficult choices with getting rid of communication in some relationships but also stepping up in relationships as well. But I still wonder how much time do I invest in some relationships, when it seems like it is a one way street? I have been down this road many times in my life and it just sucks to have to say it is happening again when I thought things would change.  It is always difficult to have to make decisions like this because they are hard each time when you have to decide, how much am I giving in these relationships and what am I getting in return. No matter how many times you have to go through this it doesn't get any easier. I am very grateful though for the friendships that I do have and those I can talk to, even if sometimes it takes some pulling teeth for me to actually express how I feel or on other occasions a kick in the butt for me to listen to their advice, I do appreciate all they do for me. I am just a stubborn person who is used to doing things on my own for so long that it is hard to accept help when it is offered. Perhaps this situation I am going through with figuring out relationships is part of the reason I have such a hard time expressing my feelings or thoughts out load or accepting help....man perhaps I should be in a group home...oh wait I am, just in charge and not a resident! I just thank God for all of you that He has placed in my life and the friendships He has given me all around the world. I look forward to continuing many friendships and just continue to pray that I get some guidance in what I need to do. God has a plan and I guess in His own time and way He shows us what is best for us...even if it is hard to accept.

Love,
Ashley