The holidays have quickly approached. Thanksgiving along with my 11 month mark here at Grace have come and gone. It is absolutely astounding how quickly time has flown by! As I prepare for heading home for Christmas I am all caught up with many different emotions and that puts me in a bit of a funk. Don't get me wrong, I am absolutely thrilled to be able to go home for the first time in a year and see my friends and family, but at the same time I struggle and am less than thrilled to go home and realize I won't be seeing certain family and friends. It is a choice that I made, and I would do it again if someone asked me to, but at the same time if I could choose to not have to deal with the random text messages that are full of manipulation and guilt trips...I could definitely do without those. I am finding myself biting my nails more than I have in months and I don't know why I feel so guilty when I have done nothing wrong. Am I supposed to feel guilty? Because as much as I hate to admit it, she is winning and I do feel guilty and I hate the fact that it is coming to that! How can one person have so much control over me and my emotions even after not talking to them for 3 months! The fact that I care I know is a good thing in some ways, because after all I do love this person and I wouldn't wish anything bad upon them...but at the same time isn't the whole point of no communication until I am ready (if I am ready at this point) supposed to mean we don't have ANY communication and that includes that random messages thrown at me after a few months to make me feel bad! How is that supposed to help me any...just when I think I am emotionally and spiritually headed back onto the right path where I can breathe again, the monkey wrench gets thrown in and explodes all the progress I have made and instead of simply going back to square one...I feel like I am back at like square -10! So when people ask me "are you excited to go home for Christmas and see your family?" how do I respond to that now? Yes I am excited to see many people I haven't seen in a year, yes I am excited to share all of the wonderful and yet challenging things and people God has placed into my life down here at Grace and the wonderful friends, yes I am excited to see the beautiful North-lands of Minnesota...but no I am not prepared or excited for the challenges and repercussions I know that will await me after the trip when I don't see some people on my journey home. How are you ever prepared for that? I handle it the best way I know how to...I run, some might say both physically and I run from facing the emotions I am feeling, though I guess I wouldn't deny it at this point that it is exactly what I am doing. Physically running has definitely helped me especially these past few months. Now only do I find it good for my health to get more in shape and find an activity I have learned to enjoy when I never thought I would...but at the same time I find it a wonderful stress reliever. It is a great way for me to push all of my frustrations and built up emotions that I am unable to share or express and physically push it out when I run. As much as that helps most days I know I need to share my feelings more as my friends have been SO kind to point out. :P But even though I struggle to share how I feel and am working on it, and I may get frustrated with them trying to get me to talk...I am thankful for them and how persistent they are. In some ways I know it is good for me considering I never had friends who would do this before...take me for a spin in their car and refuse to let me out or lock me in a laundry room with them until I talked lol. Most people I grew up with and called friends would just say okay you are fine and move on...and perhaps that is the way I liked it growing up, or so I thought. Perhaps if I would have had some more friends like I do now I wouldn't be as emotionally screwed up as I am...and so I am sure I am going to never live this down when they decide to read this...but thanks for being pains in the butt, pushy and not giving up on me when I'm so emotionally broken...I need it.

On a lighter note, I am enjoying my time here at Grace. I will have been here a year on the 22nd. I am loving my time working with the boys and all the adventures they bring me on. Yes I indeed struggle with a few of them, some more than others but it is what keeps me going, keeps me growing and what I love to do. I wouldn't change my decision to move over to the Boys Cottage 4 months ago. I feel more comfortable and in my shoes...yes I miss some of the relationships I had with the girls but I feel like I have grown more as a person. I know that even though I would be free to leave once my year is up...I know my time is not yet up here at Grace. It will be hard seeing some of my friends leave as I know once their year comes they will be done at Grace but I choose to believe that God will keep us together even if not physically together at Grace. Some friendships cannot be broken if you choose to keep them. Although I do realize I will not be at Grace forever and it isn't my place to settle permanently, I know for now God still has a lot to teach me here and until He is ready for me to leave and move on, I will patiently wait and let Him continue to guide me and keep me learning and growing, and perhaps heal here as well.

Love,
Ashley