It is now the end of September...crazy how time flies. I find myself at a battle of my own thoughts. Which I hate when that happens. It has now been 10 days since I last spoke to the person I wrote my letter to asking for space, and so far she has been gracious enough to understand and give me the space I asked for...which includes no contact until I am ready. I find myself being happy again, which I know should be a great thing...but at what cost since I am no longer talking to this person? Is it because I am not speaking to her that I am happy? Don't get me wrong I love that I am happier than I have been in a long time and I know I need to do what is best for me and my life...but at the same time I feel so guilty. I feel like I shouldn't have guilt for being happy and taking care of myself...but she is my family. There are many days I just sit and ponder how she is holding up, and although I don't regret the decision I finally made, I do want to cry for what I lost as well. It is okay to cry for the loss in your life I know but I struggle to cry. When I want to cry I can't and at the bad moments of when I don't want to cry...especially in front of people is usually the time that I start to cry and hold it in. I've always grown up just thinking that crying was a sign of weakness and shows vulnerability and I hate it...it is something I am trying to work on but it doesn't make it any easier. I can feel my emotions just bottling up inside of me so much that I shake...I honestly think it isn't so much the fact that I am now happy but the fact that I have had so many emotions running through my body and held in over the past 24 years that it all is now coming to a peak since I have taken control of the situation that caused most of the problem. 24 years of built up frustration, anger, sadness and now peace comes boiling to the top and my body is feeling it. If I could just find a simple solution to I don't know...say cry...then my problems would probably be solved! Why did I have to be a person who tries to act all tough and not show vulnerability? I guess on the upside it helps in my job situation. Working with 5 teenage boys in a cottage you definitely need to show that you mean business and not show any signs of weakness or they would use it against you. I am finding that working with the boys is easier for me than with the girls. I have learned how to not only run a house and take care of the boys, but also be firm and authoritative in the past month I have begun working with the boys. I don't deny that I still have a lot I need to learn and grow in, especially when it comes to working with boys, but I think it is an amazing learning experience. It helps me learn how to take leadership and since I don't have as much of an emotional relationship like I did with the girls I worked with I am able to not only focus on the job at hand, but at the same time when I am off duty and even on duty I can start to think about my own personal life...which is both good and bad. Because I know, as well as many others probably do, that when your mind is free to think about yourself, especially while laying in bed, your mind wanders and begins to worry. I spent this break so far being super productive with baking, hanging out with my friends and just being happy...but I spent tonight painting which was wonderful since I was feeling inspired, but I also just felt like reverting back into my introverted self again...which never fails to get attention I guess. I wish I were better at not being so introverted, or at least better at saying I am fine and not showing when something is bothering me...especially because I hate being a burden to my friends, especially because I know they all have so much on their minds lately as well. Why add to their plate as well? I have been doing a lot of thinking, praying and devotions the past few weeks and I just pray that God will continue to guide me on this journey that is beginning to take an emotional turn for me. I know He has the strength to lead and guide me, and I know He will not only in my personal life but my job as well and help me with these kids that I am working with. Lord just give me the patience and guidance to do things according to your will, and thank you for giving me such wonderful friends who are constantly supportive of me...even when I can't express how much they mean to me and how much I need them. As I go about this next shift I go in looking to be a bit more hopeful and go in with my eyes open to opportunity.

Love,
Ashley